Go Loud and Go Home

Story Sent in by Sara:

Cal wrote to me over a dating site. I read his profile and it was full of humorous ramblings, so that was kind of refreshing from how seriously a lot of guys took themselves. In one section he had written that he had "volume dissociation syndrome." When I wrote him back I asked him about it and he said that it simply meant that he sometimes had trouble controlling the volume at which he spoke, as if he'd be chatting and he just couldn't tell how loud he was talking. Was it a joke? Maybe. I decided it would be fun to meet him.

We met in a public park and at first everything went great. He kept me laughing and he was pretty charming and he spoke at a regular volume. It was nice. We took a walk and he was quiet for a minute or so and then he turned to me just as a kid was riding by on a bicycle and yelled, "EVER HAVE SEX?"

I nearly jumped out of my skin. "Uh... yes," I said, but quietly, in an attempt to hopefully bring his volume down somewhat.

"WHAT WAS THE SEX LIKE?" he yelled, loud enough for the people down the path to hear.

They turned toward us and I became a bit embarrassed. I replied, "Uh, it was fine. Can we talk about something else?"

"Okay, sure," he said in a normal voice, "We can talk about SEX!"

"How about we don't?" I asked, desperate to talk about anything but.

He apologized. "I'm sorry. It's my volume dissociation. I seriously sometimes can't hear myself talk so I overcompensate."

I told him that it was okay and I changed the subject to asking him about work. He was some sort of editor for an eBook company and we talked about that for a while.

I asked him, "Which was your favorite book to edit?" and he replied, "Probably a science one. I learned a lot. WHAT WAS THE SEX LIKE?"

I said, "I already told you. It was fine."

"HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU DONE IT?"

"Like four or five, all right?"

"I HAVE DONE IT NO LESS THAN SIXTY TIMES."

"Great. Okay."

"AND BY 'DONE IT' I MEAN ACTS THAT ARE SEXUAL."

"Thanks, Cal. I got it. Thank you." I then glanced at my phone and said, "Oh, crap. I'm late for a... thing. I have to go. Right now."

"IS THE 'THING' SEX?"

"No. I just have to go. Bye!" and I practically ran my way back to my car in the parking lot and drove home. I didn't hear from Cal ever again.

*

The next post will be on Sunday.