9/14/2016

Totally a Euphemism

Story Sent in by Joseph:

My first date with Yolanda went terrific. It was a standard dinner and drinks thing. For our second date I was going to pick her up at her place, get dinner, then go to a planetarium show. She expressed a big interest in it and I looked forward to seeing her and taking her out once more.

When I arrived at her house she opened her door, didn't say hi or anything, but asked me, "Will you help me clean out my chimney? Something's stuck in it."

I had to ask, "Clean your chimney? Is that like an x-rated thing?"

She said, "No. Will you help me clean it?"

I was well-dressed and I wasn't there for chimney cleaning. But I told her I'd come inside and check it out.

I looked up her chimney (yes her actual chimney) and shone a flashlight up to find what looked like a collection of filthy rags all packed deep within. They wouldn't budge when I shoved a stick up to try and dislodge them.

By this point I was filthy and I suggested to her that she contact a professional. She said, "Well the night's ruined now so goodbye."

She ushered me out of her house without so much as a thank-you for trying to help. I hope she found someone to unclog her chimney. But whether she did or she didn't, I never contacted her again to ask.
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11 comments:

  1. MelSleeps9/14/2016 3:53 AM

    Chim chiminey,chim chiminey A chiminey sweep he is not.He didn't have time,for that sort of rot.She told him to leave and go fly a kite.No one got lucky,lucky that night....ok,perhaps not my best but it sounds better in your head if you imagine Dick Van Dyke singing it...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Unknown9/14/2016 4:46 AM

    She likely put them there herself and you ended up taking part in some sooty fetish. If you'd managed to clean out her chimney, she might have let you clean out her chimney, too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Steve9/14/2016 8:37 AM

      I'm not a landscaper, but I'd be happy to come over and trim your bush...

      Delete
    2. Unknown9/14/2016 9:38 AM

      Great, because my front lawn is a mess! I'm so glad I have so many helpful guys around! Just the other day my neighbor came and snaked my pipes. The week before one of the guys at work offered to let me taste some of his sausage. I didn't even know he liked to cook! I can't even name all the men who asked to tear up my carpet. I like the carpet in my living room the way it is, though, so I turn them down. They always look so disappointed. Come to think of it, most of them look confused while they work. Hmm.

      Delete
    3. The Architect9/14/2016 10:10 AM

      Do they offer to clean out your lint trap? Lay some pipe for you? Eat your taco? Murder your pussy(cat)? Because I'm thinking you might want to avoid the armatures and use Angie's List. You get much higher quality help and they are user verified.

      Delete
    4. Steve9/14/2016 11:38 AM

      OMFG, now Archie is stealing my angie's list joke...?

      Delete
    5. The Architect9/14/2016 1:24 PM

      Shit, sorry Steve. I read your joke, forgot I read it, then thought I came up with it. Basically how all of architecture works. Full cred to you.

      Delete
    6. Steve9/14/2016 1:28 PM

      Good artists borrow. Great artists steal outright.

      Delete
  3. The Architect9/14/2016 7:24 AM

    So.....you're saying her chimney was on the rag then?

    Also, everyone loves the planet arium.....everyone

    ReplyDelete
  4. Unknown9/14/2016 8:08 AM

    She was totally cleaning out her chimney for Santa.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Steve9/14/2016 8:29 AM

    The inside of a chimney sounds like a perfectly logical place to store a bunch of oily rags...

    Anyhoo, homegirl needs to #learn2angieslist... ya feel me?

    ReplyDelete

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