9/23/2016

Bring Your Own Butthead

Story Sent in by Lizette:

Damon invited me out to a BYOB place and he brought a bottle of Malbec. I should've known that I was in for a night to remember when he asked me, "What did you bring to drink?"

Shortly after sitting down, he polished off the whole bottle by himself. He was then quiet for a little while and didn't eat anything when our food arrived.

About a minute after I started eating, he puked all over the table. I had to help him up, dig out his wallet to pay for the meal (I sure wasn't paying for it), drag him to the curb, and order him a Lyft to bring him home.

I wrote him the next day to give him my PayPal email address to which he could reimburse me for the Lyft. He actually sent me the money and I never heard from him again.
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20 comments:

  1. MelSleeps9/23/2016 3:59 AM

    The grapes of wrath strike again!I have so many questions I need answered...Who brings a bottle of wine to a byob place?Who would want to go willingly to a byob place?Who belts down a bottle of wine as if it were a single wine cooler?What man wouldn't try to share the wine with said lady friend in hopes of "setting the mood"?What grown man does not know his limits?What did OP have to eat that made poor ole Damon want to hurl his whirl?Will I ever find out?!At least he paid for dinner and for the Lyft,stay classy Damon,stay classy...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Steve9/23/2016 8:07 AM

      What kind of man? An alcoholic.

      Or at least an incredibly awkward person who thought a bunch of alcohol would cure their woes...

      But yeah, you're right - the obvious play here is to ply said lady friend with as much roofie-laced alcohol as possible, in order to gain access to her rotten meat-scented penis fly trap...

      Delete
    2. Anonymous9/23/2016 8:52 AM

      A cheapskate, that's who. Their next date (if only he hadn't puked, they would probably be married by now, he's such a winner) would have been a step up, though.

      But alas, he's probably attending fun, classy events without Lizette.

      Delete
    3. Unknown9/23/2016 8:53 AM

      I don't know where this place is, but I'm surmising Montreal because, you know, Lizette. Anyway, Montreal is known for its bring-your-own-wine restaurants. The last time we were there we brought a bottle of Tawse sauvignon blanc, $27 at the winery, would have cost $100 purchased at the restaurant. So, to answer your question, thrift people bring wine to a BYOB place.

      Delete
    4. MelSleeps9/24/2016 1:22 AM

      Wouldn't that be "BYOW"?

      Delete
    5. MelSleeps9/24/2016 1:27 AM

      Steve that would be the savvy thing to do.And that's using your noodle...

      Delete
    6. lovsmack9/24/2016 12:21 PM

      BYOB, bring your own BOOZE.

      Delete
    7. The Architect9/26/2016 8:18 AM

      BYOB: Bring Your Own Bottle

      Delete
  2. Steve9/23/2016 8:04 AM

    I'm not even going to say anything snarky today, OP, because your name is Lizette - and that's badass! (Unless that's a fake name that Jared assigned)

    Also, Jared apparently moved less than an hour from me?! I'm TOTALLY stalking him now. Or taking him out on a platonic man-date, so he'll have another story to submit here...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. JMG9/23/2016 9:01 AM

      Email me and we'll arrange something. We can set it up through my chunky, equine assistant.

      Delete
    2. Path's Walker9/23/2016 10:09 AM

      Chunky Horse is quite irritated that you think he's your assistant, and not the other way around. He wants you to remember he allows you to work here, Jared, and he can take that allllll away.

      Delete
    3. The Architect9/26/2016 8:19 AM

      With a chainsaw.

      Delete
  3. ladydyani9/23/2016 9:04 AM

    I hope Damon left a big tip.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous9/23/2016 11:05 AM

    This guy sounds like a full-blown alcoholic.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ben Lapointe9/23/2016 4:24 PM

    Where are Architect and Archie Girl? Someone has to do their job. Guess it falls on my shoulders... That's Damon ordering his meal: http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view7/2480008/mr-creosote-o.gif

    ReplyDelete
  6. Alibiestu9/23/2016 5:35 PM

    I seriously hope OP left a GIANT tip on his behalf. Gross.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Unknown9/23/2016 6:58 PM

    That was really decent of the guy to reimburse you. Many times I'll find the OP and date to be twats, but the two of you both sound like socially aware, stand up compassionate people. (Aside from him downing that bottle)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Puiz9/25/2016 8:11 PM

    So "polish off" is the phrasal verb of the week for Jared. Seriously, you don't have to write all of the posts. You can actually use some of the submissions too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. JMG9/26/2016 1:31 PM

      I sure wish I had all of the magic phantom time you think I have to do that. I edit each story (some more than others by necessity) so the same phrase might pop in here and there. If you sent a story in and I haven't posted it yet, it's because I have a massive backlog. Be patient and revel in the sordidity like everyone else.

      Delete

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