(Been waiting a while to post this one. Mostly for the title. See the post that started it all. -JMG)
Story Sent in by Lauren:
My first date with Howard went all right. He was a nice guy but he talked a lot with his hands. It was noticeable from the get-go and was pretty comical. He accompanied almost everything he said with shameless hand gestures. It was like watching a guy who had no idea how to do sign language trying to do sign language. With hands on fire.
But whatever about that. This story is about the second date (what can I say? He seemed nice). We started out at a Starbucks and planned to go see a movie after a little bit. In the midst of a discussion about our childhoods, he asked me, "Have you ever heard of Chunky Horse?"
"No. Is that some early 90s band?"
He laughed and said, "No! It's a film. A cult classic. It was on late-night cable. HBO. And apparently Blockbuster. It was huge. I made it. With friends."
"Oh. I haven't seen it."
"You'd love it. It's a horror film about three friends who find a cursed chainsaw in the woods and one by one the Chunky Horse kills them. Want to go watch it at my place with popcorn instead of going out?"
I said, "Maybe some other time, if that's okay? I had my heart set on Snitch."
"I promise it's better than Snitch. I've already seen Snitch. Trust me. And I have popcorn."
"You've already seen it? But I thought we were going to see it together."
"Because I wanted to warn you that it sucks. And Chunky Horse isn't too bloody or anything. All the deaths are off camera."
I was adamant about not going to his place. He was really upset. I could tell because his hands flew around in a blur as he hemmed and hawed. But there was nothing for it. I wasn't about to go to his weird house to watch some weird home video he made with his weird prepubescent friends. So we went to the movies and saw Snitch (which I liked well enough). I listened to him grumble the entire time and we parted ways.
He wrote me an email less than an hour later to ask me if I'd be up for going to his house right then and watching a special "late-night screening" of Chunky Horse. I told him that I was too tired and that I'd consider it for next time (I didn't really want to see him again but was buying time to let him down easy).
He wrote back, "Sorry. I don't date the stupid."
Wait...is this a different girl?! How many girls have dated the Chunky Horse guy?!
ReplyDeleteDo they have a support group?
Is this a Chunky Horse test?
ReplyDelete@ JMG - First of all, you bastard, I can't you've been holding back a SECOND Chunky Horse date! Second of all, thanks, it was worth the wait. Third, great title!
ReplyDeleteI think we should officially change "Netflix and Chill" to "Want to go watch Chunky Horse?" Then you could be all like.....Hell YEAH!
OMG, I've been away from ABCD for years, and the day I choose to return, THIS is the story?! It's kismet, kismet I say!
ReplyDeleteChunky Hooooooooooooooooooooooorse!
Sounds like bad Chunky Horse fan fic to me.
ReplyDeleteI started reading and though....is this a repeat? Please tell me this is the same guy and not another friend of his doing the same thing. Or perhaps he's a troll trying to get his date onto the ABCD hall of fame :) ...Oh and Hi, long time reader, rare commenter, I don;t think I've commented since Katie Girls Demise....I mean ..exit.
ReplyDeleteShhhhhhh! Goddamnit Unknown, people will start to suspect what we really did to....I mean, what really "happened" to Katie Girl.
Delete