And Now My Lap Smells Like the Universe

Story Sent in by Tiffany:

On our first date, Aaron and I both drank a bit too much and I wound up feeling queasy at the bar. After ordering a steady stream of waters, I began to feel at least a little better. But my head was pounding and moving even a little bit was enough to make me nauseous. Not the best impression to make on a first date, I know.

For his part, Aaron was sympathetic but he was also hammered. We ended up telling dirty jokes and giggling like mad. The night was looking up. I eventually felt better enough to move to a booth and order some food. We talked about everything and anything. I felt like I had known him for years. It was so strange. I felt suddenly really comfortable with him.

Then he hopped over to my side of the booth and asked, "Mind if I sit on your lap?"

"Okay..." was all I could muster.

He sat down on me and I soon discovered that he weighed twice as much as I would've guessed. I groaned and was about to nudge him off when he whispered into my ear, "Want to know the secret of the universe?"

Faced with the option to obtain such knowledge from a semi-drunk guy, I said, "Sure."

He farted a gigantic, wet fart into my lap and leaped off. He gave me a smile like he was a 10-year-old who had received an A on a school project and I was his mother.

But instead of proud, I was disgusted. "Why the hell would you do that?" I demanded.

He looked crestfallen, then returned to his side of the table, folded his arms, and put his head down. Since he stayed that way for a while and didn't respond to anything else I said, I assumed that the date was over. I finished my food, threw down some cash, and left him there like the child he was.