Story Sent in by Mae:
I had arranged to meet George out at a local watering hole. But he phoned me a few hours before and asked, "Can we do something in which we stand up the whole time? I can't sit."
"Why not?"
He said, "It's not something I'm really comfortable talking about over the phone. I'll tell you in person. Anyway there's a restaurant with high-tops near here that doesn't mind if you stand at them. You can sit if you want to but I'll have to stand. Will that be okay?"
"Uh... yeah?"
Something was very strange. He gave me the name of the new place and we hung up.
He had already grabbed a table and was waiting for me when I arrived. He remained standing as I sat down on a chair. He told me he had already ordered us an appetizer and I thanked him. Then I asked, "So why can't you sit?"
He leaned in over the table at me and said, "I burned my ass cheeks off."
I was silent. Such an admission takes at least a few moments (if not more) to process. He explained, "I was sitting on the stove at work and didn't realize that someone had turned it on. Doctor said I shouldn't put any pressure on it at all for the next seven to 10 days. It still feels hot, but I'm told that the itching is the worst. Trust me: you won't want to be around me for that!"
I didn't. Then he wiggled his rear a little bit as if he was adjusting it and murmured, "Ahhh, my ass cheeks."
Ugh. I was done hearing about this. I said, "May it be as painless a healing process as possible."
He said, "It's tough to rub the prescription stuff on my own ass, but God willing, I'll do it."
"God willing."
That was as intense as the topic discussion ultimately became. He was otherwise pretty cool and we even wound up on a second date, about two weeks later. He was able to sit down by then. When I asked him how his butt was, he replied that it was much better.
We didn't make it past two dates but I thought it would make a good story.
Yeah, saying "Ahhh, my ass cheeks." on a date would be a deal breaker for me.
ReplyDeleteYears ago I met a woman at a party, we hit it off and headed back to her place. I noticed she had a lot of burn scars on her butt and asked her about it. I forget now the cause, whether it was from birth or an accident or whatever, but she told me she had no feeling in her buttocks and upper parts of her pegs. She had burn scars from sitting on hot things without realizing it. Once was from a stove at work that she didn't realize was still hot, once was from sitting on the hood of a car not realizing the summer sun had made the metal scorching hot.
ReplyDeleteA kind of funny thing was that she was into anal. I'm curious to know whether she actually liked it or because of her condtion she couldn't tell the difference. I never did ask.
Another funny thing, not related to her butt, was how she ended things with me. She told me she was in an online virtual BDSM relationship, meaning they had never met IRL but he would tell her humiliating things to do to herself and watch her do them over webcam. She told him about me and he told her she had to stop seeing me. I asked her if she was going to let an online relationship dictate a real-life relationship and she said yes and that was the end of that.
The party we met at was thrown by this social group we had both joined. She told me she was helping to host the next one and would prefer if I didn't come to it. I wasn't aware of an upcoming party but told her OK. Two months later I get a notice through the social club that there is another party happening. I write her a message, saying I'd respect her wishes of not going to a party she was hosting, and ask her if she was hosting this upcoming party. In her response she acted liked she had no idea who I was and acknowledged that she was hosting this next party. I didn't go.
"So, what do you do for a living?"
ReplyDelete"Oh, I'm an accountant."