News Caper

Story Sent in by Lee:

Several years ago, I invited Laurie out for coffee and one of the first things she did when we sat down was ask me, "Have you read the latest reports?"

I said, "What are you talking about?"

She reached into her bag and pulled out a copy of The Weekly World News, a crummy supermarket tabloid in which I wouldn't even wrap a fish. She handed it to me and said, "Read."

"But it's all b.s. No one takes this rag seriously."

She said, "If you want to know how I think, you need to read it. I'm silly and sometimes kind. Read it."

I said, "I'd really prefer not to. Can't we just talk, instead?"

She took the tabloid back, opened it up, and read it herself. I said, "Uh... did you want to talk to me at all?"

She said, "Oh! Now you're interested," and then she handed me the paper again.

"No. I don't want to read this. I just want to talk to you."

"Okay," she said, then read from the paper again.

I finished my drink and left her there without a word. But a few moments later she was behind me on the sidewalk with the paper and said, "You forgot your paper!"

"I don't want it! Leave me alone."

She thwacked it against my shoulder over and over and said, "Take it! I bought it for you! Take it! Take it!"

I grabbed it from her, ripped it into pieces, threw it to the ground, and stomped away. She called after me, "Psycho!"

If that wasn't the pot calling the kettle black, I don't know what was.