One of Those Weird People

(The final episode of my comedy series, Below the Belt, is locked and loaded. You'll never look at Chinese food the same way again. -JMG)

Story Sent in by Phyllis:

James wrote me online. He seemed polite and managed to keep it in his pants during our emails, so we went out on a date together.

Not long after we sat down together for lunch, he leaned in and asked me, "You have any nude pics I could see?"

I took a moment to process the words and then said, "No. Why would you ask that?"

He went into full recovery mode and said, "Oh, you thought I was asking about nude photos of you? Ha ha ha! No. No. No way. Not you. No way. I'm not like that. No."

I asked, "So... which nude photos were you talking about?"

"Oh, I dunno. I mean, you have pets?" The way he cringed told me that he said it way faster than his mind could stop him.

I said, "You want to see nude photos of my... pets?"

"Well pets are usually nude, right? Or are you one of those weird people who dresses up her pets in pet robes?"

"I don't put pet... robes on my pets, no."

"Good."

"But I'm still confused as to why you want to see nude photos of my pets."

"Just any photos of your pets, okay? They don't have to be nude."

"But you specified nude pics."

He hissed, "I changed my mind, okay? Now I don't want to see them anymore. Stop asking me stuff."

We didn't have much to talk about for the rest of the date and didn't make much conversation during the meal (why I stuck around, I don't know).

At the end of the date, he cleared his throat loudly and said, "You never asked to see my nude pics."

I feigned interest and asked, "Oh, you have nude pics of your pets I can see?"

His face fell. "No."

"Oh. Then I guess we're both disappointed."

Last date with that wacko.