Tough Muffins

(Episode two of Below the Belt is here. The defining web series of our time. -JMG)

Story Sent in by Jennifer:

I was in the middle of dinner with Walter when he said to me, "You know what I'm in the mood for? Muffins."

I said, "They are pretty tasty. Want to grab one after dinner?"

He said, "I want to grab one now." With that, he left me sitting there, right in the middle of the meal. The check hadn't even come yet and he just walked right out.

Naturally I called him right up and he answered. "What?"

"What? You just left me here."

"Uh, yeah. To get a muffin. I wanted one. I'll be back. Keep your skirt on." We hung up and I waited for his return.

Five minutes later, he came back with a muffin in a paper bag. He took it out right there at the table and stuffed the whole thing in his mouth. It was gone in seconds. "Mmmm," he said, licking his fingers, "muffin."

"Where's mine?" I asked him. After all, I did express an interest in having one.

He said, "I just bought one for me. You want one, you can buy it yourself. There's a place right down the block. They didn't have a lot left."

I wasn't about to leave the restaurant for a muffin, so I said, "I'm okay. I'll wait until we're done."

He said, "You won't have time."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm planning to head back there and buy the rest of them once we're done. You won't be able to buy any, since I'm buying them all for me."

"Why can't we both buy muffins together? Do you really need to buy them all?"

He said, "They had only one cashier. Are you some stupid bimbo or something? Can't you do math? It's really easy: buy a muffin now or you won't have any at all later."

What he said made no sense, and I didn't really like his attitude. I stood up and put some money on the table that would cover my half of the bill. "Here you go," I said, and I made for the exit.

Behind me, he bellowed, "You'd better not buy them all! They didn't have a lot left! You hear me?"

My main goal was just to leave. But then I decided to swing by the bakery he talked about. Sure enough, they had about 10 muffins left. And to spite him, I indeed bought them all.

Less than an hour later, Walter texted me: "YOU BOUGHT THEM ALL!!! THE CASHIER DESCRIBED YOU. I KNOW IT WAS YOU. I WANTED THEM!" He went on to use some colorful language.

I have two brothers, and they were very happy to receive (most of) them.