The Sky Is Stalling

(Below the Belt has arrived. The five-minute first episode of my dark comedy web series. It will make your day/life. -JMG)

Story Sent in by Reggie:

I had what I thought was a fun, normal, refreshing date with Melinda. We went indoor rock climbing and then went to dinner. While at dinner, her phone made a noise that scared the crap out of me. She pulled it out and looked at the screen.

"Oh my God," she said, "I just received an alert: a meteor is heading for earth. We're dead."

I reached for her phone. "Can I see?" I asked.

She ignored that and kept reading her phone's screen. I pulled out my phone. I had no similar alert. I checked CNN and saw nothing at all about an imminent impact. "CNN says nothing," I informed her. I checked a couple other news sites. Nothing at all. I mean, we're all still here, after all.

She said, "Oh my God," again then stood up and said, "I have to go. My pets... I have to go save my dog and parakeet!"

She slammed down a handful of bills on the table (though why she took the time to be considerate enough to pay the bill when we'd all be shortly obliterated was confusing to me) and hurried out. When I uncrumpled the money she had thrown down, I realized that it was for more than the cost of both of our dinners - a lot more.

Not feeling quite right about things, I used her money to pay only for her part of the tab, and then I paid for the rest, myself. Morally obligated about hanging onto her cash, I called her up and left a voicemail to let her know that if we all survived, I had her money for her.

A week after, once we had all miraculously survived whatever near miss she had discovered, she called me up. We caught up for a bit and I said, "Hey. I have your cash from the night the meteor hit. I'd like to give it back to you. By the way, how are your dog and parakeet?"

She hesitated for a moment then said, "I have to go check on them. Hang on." She put me on hold or put the phone down or whatever. But she never came back. There was no disconnect sound, and my phone remained connected as if she was still on the line. But after about seven minutes of hanging on, I hung up, figuring that she'd call me back once she had ascertained the well-being of her pets.

She never called me back. And I kept her money. Figured I ought to save it in case I need emergency cash for the inevitable cosmic impact. Or parakeet.