An Army of None

Story Sent in by Katherine:

I had been seeing Joe for a couple of weeks. Things were moving briskly, and when I invited him over for dinner one particular night, it was understood (at least on my part) that if he made a move to sleep with me, I'd be fine with it.

After dinner, we sat and talked for a bit on my couch. He inched closer to me, I inched closer to him, and the kissing started.

A few minutes later, he said, "I've been working on a great pick-up line for you."

As if he needed a pick-up line at that point. But I had a good sense of humor and was ready to play along. "What's your pick-up line?"

He gave me a serious look and said, "I want to invade your pants."

I cracked up. Wouldn't you? His line didn't kill the mood, but it was a funny thing to say.

Joe must've taken my reaction the wrong way, because he stood up and left. I let him leave, mostly out of surprise, and I called him to tell him that he could come back and invade if he wanted to, but it went to his voicemail. So I spent the night alone.

I didn't hear from him for the entirety of the next day. But that evening, I discovered about a thousand little green army men in the hallway outside my apartment, facing my door. Of course it had to be Joe. I had to laugh at that, too, despite the fact that it was weird as anything. I called him up and it went to his voicemail again.

I never heard from Joe again after that, and so I became the owner of a thousand little army figures. Most of them wound up at a thrift store, but a few still turn up around my apartment every now and again, hopelessly seeking to invade.