Mi Fa Cagare!

Story Sent in by Edward:

I found Connie on OkCupid. She was the least self-centered woman on there, so I sent her a funny message and she wrote back. She mentioned that half of her family was Italian and that she was learning the language in preparation for a trip to Italy. Color me impressed.

Our first date was at an Italian restaurant (I picked the cuisine, she picked the place). I looked forward to hearing about her language preparations, but I didn't have to wait to ask. She brought her translation book along with her and studied it right there at the table. It was as if I wasn't even there at all! On one hand, it was sort of nice to be freed from the cumbersome responsibility of conversation. On the other, I felt like a bit of a third wheel. At my own date. Hmmmm.

"What are some useful Italian phrases you've learned?" I asked her, hoping to bridge the gap and turn her interest more toward me.

She replied, barely looking up, "I dunno... 'How much is this?' 'Does it come in red?' 'Are these the only shoes you carry?'"

I said, "Sounds like you have your priorities straight. How do you say, 'Give me the chocolate,' or something useful like that?"

She said, "Why don't you get your own Italian language book and learn for yourself? I'm a bit busy, here."

Yes, I stuck around. No, I'm not proud of it. When the waiter came, I ordered dinner. Connie just ordered more water. I asked her, "You're not hungry? You picked this place out specifically."

She didn't answer. She just sat there with her language book and read. I slid out my phone and typed an English phrase into a translator app without her seeing.

Once the phrase was translated, I looked up and said, "Perché vuoi non parlare con me stupida ragazza?"

Her attention focused on me like flies on a toilet. "You speak Italian?" she said.

"I do," I lied, "Fluently."

She said, "Why didn't you say so?"

I again lied, "I mentioned it a few times when I saw you with the language book. Maybe you didn't hear?"

She laughed and said, "Yeah, I zone out sometimes. When did you learn it?"

Finally, a conversation. Built on complete untruth, yes, but at least we were talking. I had to mention, "You didn't seem at all interested in talking until I broke out the Italian."

She said, "Because you didn't seem all that interesting until you broke it out." That was great to hear.

She asked me a few more questions about my Italian language background and you would've been proud of the way I faked it. Hoping to turn the conversation to other matters, I mentioned an Italian film I once saw and used it as an excuse to ask her an unrelated question about her favorite movies.

Her attention dropped immediately and she went back to the language book, like it was a shield against any and all interaction. My dinner came, I ate it, said goodnight, and left. She probably didn't even notice.