Coffee 'n Cream

Story Sent in by Neil:

Heather ordered coffee at dinner. She already seemed a bit hyper, which I initially attributed to nerves. But when I saw her fingers tremble I asked her if she was okay.

She said, "I'm drinking a lot of coffee today. Is it bothering you?"

"No. Why are you drinking so much coffee?"

She replied, "Last week I forgot to have any, so I have to catch up."

She was trembling pretty bad by this point, but still she guzzled down her coffee. I asked her, "Are you sure that's how coffee works?"

"Pretty sure," she said to me like I was a moron, "I've been drinking it for years, so I think I know."

Maybe it was my imagination, but after a little bit it looked like not just her fingers but also her head was jerking back and forth like little hands were pushing it from side to side. Her eyes twitched.

Deciding that she wasn't a good match for me, I went full-on kamikaze. I asked her, "By that same token, did you have any sex last week?"

She gave me the look you're probably expecting and said, "No. Why?"

"I mean, do you need to catch up on that, too?"

She stared at me through her trembles and twitches. Finally, she said, "No."

I said, "Because I'm pretty sure that's how it works."

She shook her head, and most of the rest of the meal was held in awkward silence. We split the check and then we split.