(Flaws are magnificent. Find out why in my writer's column - Jared's Inkwell! -JMG)
Story Sent in by Annie:
I have a three strikes policy on most dates. Because both parties are usually nervous and silly things might accidentally be said/done, I typically give a guy a few chances to recover if he says or does something that raises a red flag. No one's perfect, after all.
I talked over tea with Brad when he asked me, "So you studied psychology, right? Maybe you can help me with something."
Always a red flag on this. I'm here to be your date, not your therapist. Still, I didn't want to be rude and on the bright side it was a way for me to learn a bit about him.
I said, "Only if you want to talk about it."
"Okay, well as you know, I'm a guy," he began. Whew. I'm glad he settled that. "I made a little hole in my mattress and I use it to... you know."
That's the sound of the red flag popping right off the pole, there. But he wasn't done.
"Last weekend for some reason I... got stuck there for the first time. For like, five minutes. I just couldn't get out. And I started to cry. I mean, I almost never cry, but it made me just cry my eyes out while I was stuck there. And suddenly, without warning, everything sad that happened to me in the past 10 years just started popping into my head and made me cry even more. I seriously thought I was going to die."
He swallowed and said, "Is that normal?"
Well. Uh. Er. He seemed genuinely nervous and so I did my best to help him feel better. I told him that when you're trapped in a bad situation, your mind often flips to worst-case scenarios and that can definitely make you think of other moments when you felt trapped, sad, or alone.
"I wasn't alone," he corrected me, "There was someone else in bed with me."
Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. Oh my God. I simply asked him, "Are you okay, now?"
He said, "Yeah. Just wanted to make sure that I wasn't too emotional about it or that I was depressed or anything."
I lied, "I think you're just fine."
The APA might frown on me giving poor advice, but I smiled on myself for being tactful and level-headed throughout his confessions. On another plus side, talking to me seemed to help him feel better. I declined when he asked me out a second time, though.
Really? Why would you decline? You could have gone home with him and slept on his mattress which must have been more like a saltine cracker than a mattress by that point. And his twin who was in bed with him while he was stuck could have watched. Twice.
ReplyDeleteA SALTINE CRA~~~~bwahahahahah! Mental pollution! I won't be able to get this out of my head today now - {{GROAN}}
ReplyDeleteI can't believe this is now a real thing, but OP, I think maybe you got date-trolled.
ReplyDeleteI hope he suited up... you don't want to run the risk of catching a bad case of bed bugs on your peen...
ReplyDeleteWrong website Steve... this is ABCotD, not ABCoBBoYP.
ReplyDeleteBut OP, he only had two strikes! How do you justify denying him a second date?
ReplyDeleteThe brutal EVS pandemic is due to the clueless selfish actions of chumps like Brad here. He has a perfectly good vagina or more likely mangina in bed right next to him and he is crying like a little bitch with his dick stuck in a dry old mattress hole.
ReplyDeleteThe OP like any girl dating has the hunger for a red blooded man to pull her hair and smack her ass while relentlessly plunging a beer can size dick in and out of her. They certainly don't date so they can nursemaid Brad the Chump through his coming out ceremony.