A Special Valentine's Day Menu

Story Sent in by James:

Pauline was seven years younger than I was, but had passed for mature in our online conversations. We arranged a date for Valentine's Day. I didn't plan on doing anything too over-the-top, as it was just a first date. Still, I thought it would be nice to bring her a pink rose and a little card.

We met at a dive we both liked. She showed up all in red and with a Valentine's Mylar balloon. We exchanged the balloon and flower and sat down.

After half a glass of wine, she told me, "I don't think guys know how hard it is for women on Valentine's Day."

I said, "If you're single it can be rough regardless."

"It's a hundred times worse for women."

I was genuinely interested. "How so?"

She said, "Being a woman on Valentine's Day is like cutting off your own head and then having to eat it." She stuck out her bottom jaw so much that I could see her teeth. She then moved her jaw up and down, I supposed to simulate the eating of her own head.

I asked, "How is being a woman like eating your own head?"

"Are you watching?"

I was, but I didn't understand it much. She kept at it, and then even pointed at her bottom row of teeth. "Look! Are you looking?" she asked.

Look I did, but I couldn't fathom what she was trying to demonstrate. She then picked up her butter knife and said, "What say I decapitate you and force-feed you your own head? Would you like that, sailor?"

She burst into laughter. It was the most awkward Valentine's Day I could remember.

"Hi-ya!" she said and swung the knife toward me. She missed by a mile, but I didn't want to give her a chance to try again. I grabbed the knife out of her hand and put it down on my seat.

"Hey!" she said. I was afraid she'd ask our waiter for another knife, but she didn't. Instead, she decided to be miserable all through our Valentine's Day dinner.

As we ate, she said, "If you had let me do my thing, you'd be eating your own head right now. Bet you feel stupid."

I felt stupid, but only because I let the date last as long as it did. We split the check and I bolted out of there as soon as I had paid.