1/24/2014

You'll Need a Plunger

Story Sent in by Opal:

On our first date, Larry asked me, "How much pipe can you fit?"

"...Huh?"

He said, "Pipe. You know. 'I'm laying pipe'? You know. Man-meat. Are you a little girl down there?"

Aghast, I said, "We're not talking about this!"

He said, "I just don't want to waste your time. I've hurt a lot of women. Busted their boxes. If you know what I mean."

He was sitting across the table from me, but I still couldn't help but feel a phantom pang of pain.

He said, "I'm trying to be considerate here. Don't get all uptight on me."

"Okay. Thanks. Moving on..."

The rest of the date was less awkward, but there was no way I was going to see this guy again. When he called to ask me out again, he left a voicemail that said, "I hope you're being immature about what we talked about. I'm huge and I don't want to hurt you when we start doing it. Call me."

Sure, buddy. Not going to happen.
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8 comments:

  1. The Architect1/24/2014 9:11 AM

    OP, are you sure his name wasn't Jimmy Dean?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Fizziks1/24/2014 1:03 PM

    Wait wait wait wait.....there's a guy out there that's actually looking for a Son Doong kinda gal?

    Honey, you should look me up. We'll have a great time.

    ReplyDelete
  3. tanette131/24/2014 5:27 PM

    Can you bust something through which a baby goes? That's all me and my sinus headache can do right now.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Fizziks1/24/2014 5:59 PM

    @tannette - talk about your misguided pick-up lines; was this guy really thinking "Imma tell her about how I can rupture her uterus during intercourse. That's bound to get her slick as a seal. Bitches love permanent organ damage."

    ReplyDelete
  5. Damon1/26/2014 1:01 AM

    He was courteous enough to ask you how much of his big fat mansausage you could handle, and you decided not to see him again? He was just being polite! You crazy women, you should be glad he was so focused on making sure you were comfortable riding his enormous baloney pony.

    Women are crazy . . .

    ReplyDelete
  6. Claire (and Nikki)1/27/2014 11:24 AM

    It's stories like this that I've missed during my time away from ABCotD. Thank you, Jared, for always making me feel incredibly fucking thankful that I'm married and will never date again.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Claire (and Nikki)1/27/2014 12:50 PM

    Oh, and this: http://disneyladiesfromlastnight.tumblr.com/post/74394223221/screencap-from-fanpop

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dunicha1/27/2014 2:01 PM

    "....*when* we start doing it." How optimistic of him.

    ReplyDelete

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