Story Sent in by Annie:
Dennis showed up to our date looking good in a suit, but then he put his hands up and said, "Disclaimer: these hands are breast magnets."
Ignoring that, we had a pretty good dinner aside from the fact that Dennis kept asking me for my bra size. "I'm not telling you," I kept saying. Finally, I asked him, "Why, are you going to buy me a bra?"
He said, "Cross my heart: if you tell me your size, I'll buy you any bra you want."
I told him my size (36B) and we were off to the races.
That is, if the races were the local Target. But true to his word, he let me pick out any bra I wanted and he sure as heck bought it for me. "Free bra. Why not?" I thought. Of course I thanked him.
When we said goodnight in the Target parking lot, his hands went for my chest. I pulled them away and he said, "Sorry. They're just breast magnets! I'd better see 'em, next time!" he laughed. I laughed, too.
A day later, he wrote me an email asking "When do I get to see the new bra!"
I sent him a photo of the bra on my bed.
He wrote back, "I meant see the bra on you!"
I sent him a photo of myself, fully clothed, with the bra on my lap.
He wrote back, "Of you wearing only the bra!"
I sent him a photo of myself from the neck up wearing the bra on my head.
He wrote back, "Of you wearing it in the right place and with nothing else on!"
I wrote back, "Oh! That. Never. Thanks again for the bra."
He didn't write back anymore.
Dinner AND Bra Wh0re. This takes it up a notch...
ReplyDeleteAs a general rule of thumb, a self-respecting lady should not accept intimate gifts from strange men they just met, especially if you have no intentions of seeing them again. That "free" bra makes you look like a cheap, manipulative, materialistic wh0re, so it wasn't really free, now was it?
By the way, has UPS delivered the leopard-print thong yet, Try?
ReplyDeleteTypically I'd be against this kind of behavior, but the OP won me over with her photos to Dennis (Duffy?). Making him literally write out exactly what kind of perverted photo he wanted was fantastic!
ReplyDeleteArchitect-I loved that part too. Made me laugh because she was giving him what he asked for until he specified what he REALLY wanted.
ReplyDeletePerhaps it's my training, but if a first date tried this jape of "breast magnets" I'd lay some science on his Juggalo ass. Assuming his hands are magnetized by the electricity of the human body and are not simply electrostatic dipoles, we can model it as a current loop, and thus the vector orientation of the magnetic moment of his hairy palms could be determined by the right hand grip rule applied by asking, "Who has two thumbs and loves to moterboat?" Experimental verification will show that this means magnetic moment µ now points at his chest. Similarly, a simple test of "Who has two thumbs and self-respect?" will indicate by the same rule as above that the magnetic moment of my tits is anti-parallel and since our current loops are in parallel planes the net force is thus repulsion (bottom left quadrant of this pic). This orientation will be preserved as I back away from this douche, and so he remains repulsive.
ReplyDelete@Archie - the pix play was pretty effin' fantastic, but enough overcome continuing a date with this toddler and accepting (cheap) lingerie?
@ Fizziks - Yeah, I think so.
ReplyDelete@Architect - that officially won me over. Team OP 5evah!
ReplyDeleteOh Steve, yes the leopard print thong has arrived and it looks awesome, like an eye patch on an afro. Very sexy if you are turned on by 70's Afro American pirates. Just send over a pizza and my dream of being your dinner/panty whore will be complete. See people dreams do come true.
ReplyDeleteNow, this date, being an old fashioned type of girl as you all know, I do miss suits being the cherry on top of an elegant gentleman and not the last straw of respectability clutched onto by morally bankrupt douches.
OP, you're a terrible person. What's WRONG with you?!? Why on earth would you ever go on a date with a twelve year old?!? At least give Dennis another six years - once he turns 18, it's still disgusting but at least it's legal.
ReplyDeleteOP, you cracked me up. And hello, everybody. Steve, I want a leopard print thong too. Actually, no, I want a zebra print thong. Actually, no, how about a cobra print thong. get on it, Steve! :D I'm a lil high on cold medicine right now...
ReplyDelete