The Meat's Just Right

Story Sent in by Katherine:

Ray asked me a weird question on our date at a restaurant: "How much would you be worth if I put you up on eBay?"

I replied, "I think they frown on the selling of people."

"I'd say you're worth three grand," he said, "And that's coming from a guy worth five grand. You should be proud. Most women aren't worth more than a couple hundred bucks."

"Uh... thanks."

Cue awkward silence. Then he reached over the table, tapped my wrist, and said, "Would you let me put you up for an online auction? I'd just want to see how much you'd bring in. We wouldn't really sell you."

Well that was a relief. "But what about the person who bought me?" I asked, "You can't just not deliver to a buyer."

Ray thought about that for a long time, then said, "At the last minute, I'll put in the final bid, myself."

"Smart thinking."

"So can we do it? I'm serious. Your meat's gonna sell. I know it."

Memo to everyone everywhere: the phrase, "Your meat's gonna sell" should never be spoken to anyone. I don't care if they're a man, woman, or other. My meat sells to no one.

We split the check and left the restaurant. He ended the date with a too-tight bear hug, told me to call him if I had a change of heart, and took off.