Story Sent in by Rachel:
I thought it was weird when, for our first date, Chris invited me over to his house. But a friend had introduced us and so I thought that things wouldn't become too crazy.
I thought we'd do dinner and maybe watch a marathon on SyFy or something. Instead, he led me straight upstairs to a hallway that was covered, positively covered, in clothes. It was a mountain range of clothing all over the floor. Men's, women's, and children's. One or two of the piles had to be up to my chest in height. It was a clothing calamity with barely enough room to maneuver around.
He pulled me behind one of the clothing piles and pointed to a door across the way.
"That's Mom's room," he said, "She comes out once every 90 minutes or so to get a refill of chips or dip or ice cream. You'll see. She'll be out."
I asked, "Why are we watching for her?"
"She's a rare beast," Chris explained, "Hardly ever seen in the wild. I wanted to share this special sighting with you."
I had no idea what he was up to, but I thought there'd be no harm in indulging him for 10 minutes or so. He was a talker and at least kept me entertained.
His mother emerged from the room just a few minutes later. She was a large, medicine ball of a woman. Chris stood up and pointed and said, "Blimey! It's me mum!"
Chris's mother blinked at us from across the hall and asked me, "Who are you?"
"I'm Rachel. Chris's... Chris's friend."
She said, "Okay. You need to go."
I agreed with her and I gave Chris a brief, "Goodnight," before leaving his house and not looking back. While an actual safari on a first date might've been fun, keeping watch for his mother wasn't exactly the wildlife I had in mind.
"She was a large, medicine ball of a woman."
ReplyDeleteThis is possibly one of the most original ways I've ever heard or read someone use to describe a hefty lass. It conjures up a great mental image. That said, this "date" confuses me and leaves me with so many questions. Why does Chris think the sighting of his Big Mum is so special if happens every 90 minutes or so? Why did he lapse into a cockney accent when he saw her? Why did Big Mum tell the OP to get the hell out? Did the OP accidentally stumble into the filming of an episode of Hoarders crossed with a remake of What's Eating Gilbert Grape?
Some of these stories need mandatory follow ups or at least a Q+A session. I demand that Jared start posting the OPs' email address so I can get satisfaction.
You can only get complete satisfaction if you lose your kissginity to a medicine ball every 90 minutes like Chris.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking it's more like the tourists that visit Yellowstone to see Old Faithful. "Thar she blows!" Ok, mix in a little Herman Melville too.
ReplyDeleteI didn't know medicine balls could have arms or legs or even a head
ReplyDeleteHis momma so fat that her clothes clung together in fear outside her door.
ReplyDelete<"ok.. ladies and gentlemen.. that was not funny, too long, and not funny. We'll get back to you with a shorter version soon...thank you /stewie>
@ Tanette - We all miss Gulliver :-(
ReplyDeleteYou must have accomplished a number of innovative writing when you have been in institution. If you possibly could nevertheless get it done then you can write me an essay certainly acquire some coinage for it.
ReplyDelete