Story Sent in by Frances:
Fanny-pack-wearing Charles assured me that after lunch, he'd take me out for ice cream. He was nice enough to pay for lunch, and we hit up the ice cream parlor afterward.
We shared a banana split that was way too big for two people. He asked me if I was done, and I told him I was. He then took the remaining banana split and actually poured it into his fanny pack.
He zipped it up and caught my unbelieving gaze. He said, "You don't mind if I take the leftovers, do you?"
I asked him, "Won't it leak out of there?"
He said, "Nah. I do this all the time. You wouldn't believe what I can stuff in here." He laughed.
We sat and chatted for a little while, then stood up. Ice cream had dribbled out, onto his lap and upper leg.
"Oh..." I said, pointing.
He looked down in horror, said, "Noooooo!" making me jump, and he bolted for the bathroom.
When he came back, he had his fanny pack covered in a clump of paper towels, and a big wet spot was on his shorts. He apologized for the event, and I told him it was nothing to worry about. He was too weird for me to go out with again, though.
I went out with a fanny pack wearing, fat, premature ejaculator once and he pulled the same stunt to cover the jizz stain on his pants, perhaps it was Charles. Gregory Peck never arrives too soon, he's always bang on time, like a proper gentleman.
ReplyDeleteDid this date take place in 1991? Is Charles a middle aged paunchy guy who also wears jean shorts and t-shirts with whimsical sayings like "Virginia Is For Lovers"? If neither of those things are true, I'm afraid I just can't rationalize why a guy under 50 who is looking to get laid would wear a fanny pack on a date. Those things are instant lady boner killers. In fact, my vadge is drying up now at the thought of a fanny pack. Great...now I'm gonna get a yeast infection because my pH balance is all off.
ReplyDeleteDamn you, Charles. Damn you straight to fanny pack wearing hell!
@ Devil - And there IS a fanny pack wearing hell.
ReplyDeleteSo he puts leftovers in his fanny pack, ok. He even puts ice cream in his fanny pack which won't be worth a damn when he gets home, ok. Obviously there was no plastic liner which is an amateur mistake. You always use a plastic liner with the fanny pack. This guy is definitely a rookie f-packer. You always wrap up your sausage when you are going to be f-packing. Got a salami you need to hide? Wrap it up before you start f-packing. It just makes sense.
why would anyone put ice cream in a fanny pack without a plastic liner? i guess he got too excited about is date he forgot.
ReplyDelete@Architect, your description of f-packings dos and don'ts titillates and intrigues me. Talk of hiding sausages and salami tends to give me the vapors. I have half a mind to tell Art to cancel his date with the transsexual hooker tonight because I may very well let him into my lady lawyer briefs.
ReplyDeleteI have in my head a theme song a la the theme song from Shaft -
ReplyDeleteWho's the man who thinks he can
Take a sundae home in an unrefrigerated receptacle?
(Fanny-pack-wearing Charles)
You're damn right
Okay, so it needs some work.