Consumer Report

Story Sent in by Cameron:

Veronica and I went on a date in college. We visited an Italian restaurant and both ordered pasta. When our food arrived, she shoveled about 10 heaping forkfuls into her mouth before she started to chew. As she chewed, she made all sorts of "Hunngh... mrrummmff... rrmmuunnghh..." noises, like it was a colossal effort to make it through the bowling ball-sized glob of penne.

"I think you should take smaller bites." I suggested to her.

She somehow swallowed and said, "My friends say that my ability to do that is a talent."

"Then I also think you should find different friends."

For her next trick, she stuffed most of the remaining bowl of pasta into her mouth, and set to work on chewing it. It was a wonder to behold. Like watching a greedy squirrel engulf an apple five times its head-size.

When she finally swallowed, she said, "I actually save a lot of time by eating this way."

I nodded and said, "Who's got the time to eat like a normal person, nowadays?"

She laughed at that, as if in agreement. She was very nice, other than that, but not nice enough for me to imagine going out with her again. I didn't want to be held responsible if she engulfed a small child. Or, for that matter, a large child.