But Carnations Never Complain

Story Sent in by Duncan:

From her online messages, it was downright impossible to tell how loud and obnoxious Jenna was, in real life. But as I discovered, in real life, Jenna was downright loud and obnoxious.

We started on a late morning walk, during which time she would not shut up about "all the hot guys who filled [her] inbox with messages." At one point, she actually said, "After 10,000 years of evolution, I'm going to lead all women into a new era of destiny control."

I tried to be supportive, to tell her I was glad that dating had become more progressive in recent years. But she cut me off constantly, preferring to tell me, "This one guy, about a month ago, told me he loved me. I thought it was amusing."

I asked her if the guy had said that to her after just one date. She said, "No. It was after about a year. He's my ex," and then she laughed. "And I dumped him."

"Because he said he loved you?"

She laughed again. "Among other things. He was a doormat. Anyway, I've discovered that online dating is like a reverse meat market, but all the meat's rotten. No offense."

She dedicated the next several minutes of our walk to telling me all about the guys she had dated over the past month. "One guy seemed all right, but then after I dropped a really heavy hint that I liked daisies, he brought me a bouquet of just carnations. They're like, the cheapest flower. That was pretty Jew of him."

I decided that this would be our only outing, together. But I decided to stick with it, if for nothing else than to see what other horrible things guys had done to her.

She finished her tirade with, "I mean, the fact that every guy says he wants to bed me means I must be doing something right."

I blurted, "I don't." It was true. I didn't find her remotely attractive, anymore.

She replied, "Then you're gay. It's okay. Guess we can't date, then. Sorry."

I corrected her, "I'm not. But I still wouldn't bed you."

"Then maybe the problem is with you," she said, clearly figuring things out.

I then apologized that things weren't working out, and I suggested we call it quits. She then told me, "Don't leave." I asked her why not, and she said, "Just don't go. We'll do lunch, we'll still have a good time."

That was unexpected, but I relented and we had a casual lunch, during which time she went on about how wonderful and attractive she was. She even gave me a big hug goodbye. "My new homo friend!" she said.

Despite her entertainment value, for some reason, I just couldn't bring myself to call her up for a second date. She called me a few times, but I didn't call her back.