Story Sent in by Clay:
Joy was the second person I ever met off the Internet, but she was definitely the weirdest. Within the first week of our speaking, we sent each other long, life-story emails and I asked her out on a date.
This was in college, and I wasn't really into any of the girls at my school. The ones I met were either clueless, superficial, or both. So I was very excited to have found Joy, and especially excited as she seemed so interesting and interested in me.
When date night came, though, I was in for a surprise. We met outside, in a public place, and she greeted me in a language I had never heard before.
"I don't understand," I told her.
But she kept going. I didn't understand a word she said. A mile a minute, she talked and seemed to ask me question after question, but it was all in a language I didn't know.
Joy's knowledge of English, at least in the emails she sent, was immaculate. Unless she had someone else write them for her, but even then, wouldn't she have mentioned that she couldn't speak English? Unless, as I realized in retrospect, she was very likely putting one over on me.
Back to the date, she became increasingly belligerent and started shouting at me in that foreign language. Then, she yelled the same two-word phrase over and over again, and slapped at my chest and face!
I blocked some of the blows and stepped away, but she kept attacking. I said, "Joy! Stop!" but that only seemed to make her madder. I had to run away, and she chased me for a block and a half before I outran and lost her.
To this day, I have no idea what was going on there.
She was disappointed in your looks. Had she known that you were a chubby kid with acne still living in your parents' basement, scarfing down gallons of Turtle Tracks ice cream, then she wouldn't have wasted all that time writing long emails to you. You were supposed to look like Brad Pitt, dammit!
ReplyDeleteLOL, nice! Turtle Tracks is the new meme!
DeleteHey Steve, speaking of Brad Pitt, did you hear he's staring in the new Chunky Horse movie?
Should have had the non-fat lime sorbet... TSK TSK. Albert will never date you now.
Delete...but not smell like Brad Pitt.
ReplyDeleteWhat's up with people assaulting their dates? One should at least establish a good rapport with someone before the smacking down begins.
ReplyDeleteIt's only assault if the man hits the woman, silly goose. When it's the opposite, it's just playful banter! Everyone knows a woman is incapable of causing any kind of harm to a man!
DeleteSteve, I'm not sure why, but you warm my heart. Perhaps because your honesty cuts so deep.
DeleteYou apparently didn't like 'clueless' or 'superficial' and yet you got both in this freak.
ReplyDeleteGranted, some people hide it rather well.
DeleteI think one or both of you were having strokes.
ReplyDeleteDemon possession, perhaps?
ReplyDelete