Long in the Tooth

Story Sent in by Bob:

All of Denise's profile photos were of her with her mouth closed. Smiling, but closed. She was pretty, so I didn't over-think it. We talked online and I asked her out to dinner.

Within seconds of meeting her, I discovered, to my shock, that Denise had the longest teeth out of anyone I had ever met. They were honestly about one and a half to two times longer than any other set of teeth I had ever seen. This girl was a dental marvel. When she closed her lips, I wondered how she was able to do it without a strain, on her part.

She was otherwise very nice, but whenever she opened her mouth, it was like a mighty Tyrannosaurus. The very idea of kissing her freaked me out. I kept all of these thoughts silent, and thought that one date wouldn't hurt.

She had a good sense of humor and we had a nice time. But near the end of dinner, she said, "So, you haven't said anything about my teeth."

I hadn't, although you wouldn't know it, given how much they were on my mind. Stupidly, I must've looked at them more than her eyes during the meal. I said, as innocently as I could, "What about your teeth?"

"They're long," she said, and she bit them down a few times, "Did you not notice?"

I tried my best to be diplomatic. "I didn't."

"They're a dominant trait," she explained, "So my kids are definitely going to have them this long, if not longer. Would you be okay with that?"

"Like... if we... had kids?"

She bit down with her teeth a few more times, I guess, to really drive the point home. Visions of long-toothed children danced in my head... running around the house, brushing their long teeth, going to the dentist and costing me a fortune, biting me to wake me up...

She said, "Yeah. Our kids would have long teeth, like mine. I have to ask this, because not everyone would be cool with it. Guys I've dated for a long time were cool with it, so I want to make sure that it's all right. I know it's unusual."

"I... um... well..."

It was my hesitation that did me in. She said, "I understand. If it's not immediately okay, then it's not and never will be okay. It's cool. We can call it what it is."

We parted very graciously, and part of me was actually sorry to see her go, but ultimately, the idea of having small children with teeth just shy of an inch long each... the stuff of nightmares. I think I didn't lose out on that one.