The Shivering Aisles

Story Sent in by Muriel:

Dan and I had a date set up for a Friday night, after both of our workdays. It was to be a late dinner, as I had a few errands to run first, including grocery shopping.

"I have a fun idea," he told me earlier that day, over the phone, "Why don't I come grocery shopping with you? I promise to make it fun."

Instinct told me no, but my spirit of unusual first dates won out, and so we agreed to meet at my supermarket, and after that, I'd drive home to put my stuff away and he'd meet me a bit later at the restaurant. Again, I knew at the time that it was unusual, but he was really enthusiastic about it, and he was a fun guy, so we made it a definite.

I grabbed a cart at the market and started on my quest for food. I had already acquired some fruit, granola, cheese, and eggs when he texted to ask where I was, and I wrote back that I was in the cereal aisle, or wherever I was at the time.

He showed up with armfuls of cantaloupes, which, without a word, he dumped into my cart, crushing my eggs.

"What are you doing?" I said, "You just crushed my eggs!"

"The ones in your cart or the ones in your uterus?" he asked.

I said, "Would you mind taking these out of my cart?"

He held up a finger. "I have a better idea. I'll be right back." He skipped away, and so I brought the cart, myself, back to the produce section and put the cantaloupes back where they belonged.

No sooner had I done that when he showed up with two large watermelons and dumped them into my cart.

"Dan, seriously, stop," I said, "Put those back."

"I have a better idea," he said, then skipped away again.

Yes, I know. I should've listened to my instincts about the whole thing. What good could've come from meeting the guy in a supermarket? Then again, if he was this stupid, then maybe it was better to find out this early in our "relationship."

I put the watermelons back, and it was some time before I saw Dan again. In fact, I had very nearly completed my shopping when he showed up once more, this time with what was likely every pack of string cheese in the market.

I saw him coming from down the aisle, and I called, "Don't even think about dumping those in here."

He hurried over to my cart, and I did my best to block him, but most of the string cheese packs ended up in my cart. The rest fell to the floor. He looked at me with a big smile, as if he had just done exactly what I told him to do.

I shouted, "Are you five years old? Clean this up!"

He gave me a sheepish look, then knelt down to pick up the string cheeses from the floor, and then stood to pick them out of my cart. As he did so, many of the packs that he held fell to the floor, and he stooped again and again to collect them. It was pathetic, and this time, he didn't so much skip as he did drag his feet away.

I hurried to the checkout, but Dan didn't show his face or contact me again. That day, or ever.