And Thus My Feet Remained Un-Licked

Story Sent in by Jan:

On my first date with Molly, she handed me her iPhone, which was opened up to a specific album titled, "Da Guyz!" As I scrolled through the photos, I discovered picture upon picture of dudes I didn't recognize, some with her, some without her. Some with their hats turned backward, some making silly little gang signs at the camera. About ten guys, in all.

"Who are they?" I asked her.

"Guys I've dated," she replied, "Just thought you'd want to see."

I asked, "Why would I want to see them?"

She reached for her phone and said, like she was talking to a nitwit, "You're the guy, not me."

I handed it back to her and asked, "Is it my turn, now, to show you an album of women I've dated? I didn't make a special album, but I can show your their Facebook profiles."

"No. I showed it to you because guys are always comparing themselves to who's come before them. This is just my way of making it easy. Thank you, Molly." Her last sentence was a rather clear hint that she wanted me to thank her for the honor of allowing me to see those ridiculous photos.

I wasn't in a thankful mood, though, and so I kept my mouth shut. She said, "Thank you, Molly," and then again, more insistent, "Thank you, Molly."

"If I wanted to see pictures of random dudes, I'd do an Internet search for 'random dudes.' I don't really care who you've dated before–"

"Liar!"

"And I'm certainly not going to thank you for showing me the pictures. Request denied."

She grit her teeth and said, "Thank you, Molly."

"Request denied."

"Thank you, Molly."

"Request denied."

She said, "You are the biggest asshole I've ever met. Most guys would be licking my feet in gratitude."

I pulled out my own phone. "I told you: I'll show you the profiles of the women I've dated. We can lick each other's feet."

"I'm not licking your feet or anything else of yours," she said hotly, "I don't think this is going to work out."

I couldn't have agreed more, and we parted ways.


*

(Greetings, ABCotD readers. I'm on a road trip across America. Posts will still appear every day, although the daily timing might be a bit wonky for a few weeks. Then again, depending on my Internet access, you may not notice a blip at all. If I'm traveling through your area and anyone wants to grab a coffee, then give me a shout at abadcaseofthedates at gmail dot com. Today, I'll be through northeastern Ohio and Michigan, along the I-96 corridor. - Jared)