The Lunatic Is in My Pants

Story Sent in by Nathan:

My friend Steve wanted to set me up with his friend, Pearl. All three of us went out to dinner, in the hopes of sparking some sort of connection between Pearl and me. We sat down in a restaurant booth and talked for a good while over some wings. Pearl was cute and we seemed to be hitting it off.

After about an hour together, Steve excused himself for the bathroom. After he left, Pearl leaned in close to me, over the table, and for an instant, I thought that she was going to ask me something personal, or at least fun.

She asked, "Have you ever seen Steve's dick?"

I replied, truthfully, "No."

She said, "But you've been friends since what? Grade school?"

I said, "But wouldn't you know it, we never had occasion to trade glances at each other's parts."

She leaned back and said, "He has a constant erection. Have you ever noticed it?"

I shook my head. "I don't usually check him out."

She whispered, "He let me sit on it, once. We were naked."

Ha! Oh, that's great. I took a wing and ate it slowly, hoping that my diverted attention would prevent her from saying anything else.

She said, "He wanted me to go down on him, but I laughed him out of the house."

"Mmm hmm," I nodded, trying my best to appear as uninterested as I was.

"It was great," she continued, "It was right before we got here."

Ah, and look who's back! Hi, Steve! He sidled in, next to her again, and this time, I couldn't help but glance at his pants, although it didn't look like anything was at all erect. Pearl definitely saw me looking.

For the rest of the evening, we talked about comparatively innocuous things, and then bid each other good night. I didn't even ask Pearl for her number, as she seemed too much of a drama-magnet, regardless of whether her claims were true.

The next day, I spoke to Steve over the phone and he asked me what I thought of Pearl. Being good friends, I confided in him what she told me. He laughed and said, "Yeah, I dated her sister briefly and Pearl walked in on us screwing around. She must have been staring at us for, like, an hour. I think it messed her up. She's never been with a guy."

Well, that was that.