Hit the Dirt

Story Sent in by Ryan:

I went to college at a colossal school in an otherwise one-horse town, and so anyone who you met on a dating site in the area was likely affiliated with the university. Such was the case with Anna. I met her online, although we were both students at the same school. She was an English major, her profile essays were well-written, and her photos were terrific. We made plans to meet.

I almost didn't recognize her when we met in-person, as she was a bit... heavier. She gave me a bear hug and broached the topic, herself:

"So, forget that freshman 15: I'm packin' the freshman 50!"

I thought, Agreed that you're much heavier than your photos indicated, so bye, but there was no nice way to say it. As I stood there, trying to think of what to do, she gave me another big hug and asked, "Want to go dirt-sledding?"

Dirt-sledding consisted of taking a sled (or cafeteria tray) and sailing it down one of the hills around campus. I had done it twice before, neither of which were too enjoyable, as dirt and rocks are only fun to sled over when they're covered in snow.

I said, "Maybe we could grab a quick dinner, instead."

Anna replied, "Oh, come on. Let's do something fun."

"I'd rather not. Last time I did it, I almost broke... everything."

She groaned and said, "Fine, then you can watch me do it once or twice, then we can do dinner."

We went to the cafeteria, she grabbed a tray, and we walked out to the top of one of the hills. It was best to ride while seated on your rear, as that gave you the most cushioning. Anna, however, opted to kneel on the tray. I told her, "Try sitting on it, instead, it'll–"

She was off. Slide, bounce, bounce, scream, airtime, smash, roll, roll, roll... roll... stop.

I ran down the hill to where she lay, moaning and groaning. I asked her if she was okay, she said that she wasn't, and so I called campus safety. They took her away on a stretcher, and our date was over.

I visited her in the campus clinic before they moved her to a hospital. She ended up all right, but we never went on another date.