Ahead of Yourself

Story Sent in by Alice:

Lamar, in one of his online messages to me, wrote, "In all of your pictures, your head looks kind of small. Is that just a trick of the photos or is it really that tiny?"

By this point, Lamar and I had established enough of a rapport for me to take his comment with a sense of humor. I replied, "I assure you, my head is regulation-sized. No one has ever been put off by it."

In person, though, Lamar was definitely put off by it. His first words to me, in a public park, were, "Oh my God. Your head is so tiny."

I gave him a funny look and said, "Hi, Lamar. It's nice to meet you."

"I just can't get over how small your head is," he went on, "I bet I could fit it all inside my mouth, if I tried. Can I?"

Before I could answer, he opened wide and went for my head. I jumped away and said, "You know, I'd prefer if you didn't."

"I really want to try it, though. Just for fun."

"My head is fine. Cut it out."

"It isn't, though. It's too small."

I gave him a dark look, but was ready to bolt if he tried something else. "Is this going to be a big deal for you? I'd like to know now."

He straightened up and said, "No. I'm sorry. I just think you're adorable. That's all. You have the head of a three-year-old on an elephant's body."

My mouth hit the ground. He jumped right in with a hand wave and a quick, "That doesn't mean that you're as large as an elephant! Oh no. I mean just relatively speaking, size-wise. Your body is fine but if it was the size of an elephant–"

I put up my own hands in surrender. "You know what? Never mind, Lamar. I'm going home. You're obviously a dick."

Then it was his turn to take the offensive. "Me? A dick? Me? You're not even listening to me, and all of a sudden, I'm a dick? Me? All of a sudden? All of a sudden?"

I stepped back again and said, "Yeah. Okay, I've got to go. Don't follow me," and I left him standing there.

I heard him laugh, and he yelled after me, "Come on! I was just kidding! I know I could fit your head in my mouth!"

Without turning around, I screamed back, "How about my fist?" He didn't have a response to that, although I kept glancing behind myself to make sure that he wasn't following.

That night, out at a diner with a friend, I told her all about the date and asked her if she thought that my head was small.

"No," she said, "In fact I've always thought it freakishly large."

Oh well.