That Wasn't Very Niece

Story Sent in by Joan:

Glen and I were out to dinner when he asked, "I can't believe that I haven't asked this already, but I probably should know: do you have any kids?"

I smiled and replied, "No. Do you?"

He said, "No," and that seemed to be the end of the conversation.

A few minutes later, he pulled a couple of photos out of his wallet. One was of a little boy of about three, and the other was of a baby girl. "These are mine," he said.

"Aww…" I said, then asked, "I thought you said you didn't have any kids."

He replied, "Guess that makes both of us liars."

"What did I lie about?"

He put the pictures back in his wallet. "Your kids. You have them."

"Ha! I don't. I think I'd know it."

"I know you have kids. You don't have to deny it. I saw the photos on your profile."

On my profile, I do indeed have a photo of myself with a child – my niece – and I blurred out her face in the picture. "That's my niece," I said, "I even mentioned that in the photo's caption."

"Uh… that counts as being your kid."

"What? No, it doesn't! She's my sister's daughter!"

He looked at me as if I was a youngster, myself. "You both came from the same womb. Now one of the products of that womb has created a kid out of its own womb. Either way, it counts as your child."

I laughed. I had to. I was sure that he was making some sort of silly joke.

"I'm not kidding," he said, "I can't, about this. She might be your niece, but she's still your kid. Sorry. I don't date women with kids in their family. Sorry, again." He put his napkin on the table, flagged down our waitress, and asked for the check.

"Are you serious?" I asked him, "I had nothing to do with the birth of my niece."

He said, "Ooh. I'm sure that she'd like hearing that: that she means nothing to you."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about."

I tried a different tack: I said, "I guess you're right. It wouldn't work out between us, what with you cheating on me all the time, and all."

"I never would have cheated on you."

I gave him a look. "You've dated other women, haven't you?"

"Of course, but–."

"Well, with you out dating all these other women all the time, then how could I ever expect you to be monogamous with me? I couldn't. So it's for the best."

"But I'm not dating any of them, anymore–"

"No, no. By your logic, once you've dated them, you're still dating them, and you'll always be dating them. Quite frankly, I'm surprised that you'd be so dishonest."

He said, "Your niece will always be your niece. My past relationships are in the past."

"But my niece isn't my daughter. I was not involved in the decision to conceive her. You decided to date all of those women. I'm sorry. I can't do this."

I leaned back. He shook his head sadly, said, "I pity you," and paid the check. I thanked him, we parted quickly, and that was the end of our date.