Occupy Idiocy

Story Sent in by Mary:

Jeffrey and I met online. He and I worked in the same industry, and it was that plus his friendly attitude that enticed me out on a date with him.

He wasn't a good date at all. It was obvious that his favorite topic was himself, and he told me the same story, how he had found his first job out of college, three times.

I had walked to the restaurant, as it was only a mile away from where I lived, and it was a nice night out. I was anxious to bring the date to a close, but once we were done, he insisted on driving me home. I thought, "Just let him do it and that will be it." In retrospect, I should've been smarter and just walked home.

He parked his car in front of my house and walked me to the front porch. I had a feeling that he'd go for a kiss, so I planned to give him a quick hug and hurry inside.

"Thanks for dinner," I told him as I made for the door handle.

"Just a second," he said, and as I guessed he would, he went for me with his lips. I dodged away and hugged him fast, then slid my key into the lock.

He asked, "That's it?"

"On a first date, yes."

"And here I was, wondering if we'd mate."

"No," I said, opening the door, "Good night."

I closed and locked the door behind me, silently cursed myself several times for letting him drive me home, and finally went to bed.

The next morning, I stepped out of my front door in the morning to check for mail when I received a horrific surprise.

Jeffrey's feet poked out of a blue plastic tarp, stretched out on the porch.

I screamed. He sat up, still covered in the tarp, then pulled off of himself to reveal his face. He had slept on my porch all night!

"Good morning," he said as if turning to his lover in bed, "I found this tarp out back. Hope you don't mind if I used it as a blanket. Can I use your bathroom?"

"Absolutely not," I heard myself say, "Get off my porch right now or needing a toilet will be the least of your problems."

He rolled his eyes, tore the rest of the tarp off of himself, stood, stretched, and said, "First you won't mate with me, and then you won't let me use your bathroom. This is the weirdest overnight I've ever had with a girl."

"Get out," I said, "You need to leave."

Without another word, he scuffed along, off of my porch, dragged himself into his car, and pulled away. I went to clear off the tarp, but it smelled awful and so I ended up stuffing it into a trash bag and throwing it away.

An email arrived from him a little less than a week later: "Two day rule? Who knows? Want to go out again?"

I'd rather kiss a Wookiee.