Clouds in My Coffee

Story Sent in by George:

On a partly cloudy day in my early twenties, Victoria and I were on a picnic date at a local park. It was our second time meeting, although it was arguably our first date, as the first time we met was a quick meet-and-greet at a coffee shop after speaking online for a few weeks.

The more I spoke to her (in general), the more I realized that she had trouble focusing on much of anything, as if her mind was already on the next topic while speaking about something. There was, however, one thing I discovered that she seemed to focus on immediately, after we set up our lunches on the blanket.

"Oh my God," she said, pointing at the sky, "Look at the clouds. It looks like those two are screwing."

I followed her pointing finger and looked up to see, well, two clouds, close together, one nearly on top of the other.

"It sure does," I said with a smile, "Want some iced coffee?"

She didn't answer, but instead lay down on the blanket and scanned the sky. She pointed at a clumpy cumulus cloud. "That one looks like a large, erect penis," she said.

It looked nothing like that. I pulled out our plastic containers of salad and offered her a fork. She didn't take it, instead opting to point to another cloud. "Oh my God! That one looks like an elephant's penis!" she screamed.

It was funny at the time, and so I laughed as I finished setting up lunch. She didn't seem interested, though. She pointed to another formation. "That one looks like a…" she scrunched her brow as she gave it a lot of thought, then finished, "…a penis, and that one," she pointed to another, "looks like a whale penis."

Half-confused, half very, very curious, I asked, "Is there something you're trying to tell me?"

She sat up and looked me dead in the eye. "You tell me. You're the one who took me out here on a day where all the clouds look like penises. Was that on purpose?" she asked without a hint of humor.

I chuckled all the same. "Unfortunately, I don't control the clouds."

Her nostrils flared and she raised her voice. Had I hit a nerve? "I know that! I'm not an idiot, George. But the fact that you brought me out here, underneath a very suggestive cloud cover… I mean, what's a girl supposed to think?"

I replied, "Seeing as how we planned this picnic for about a week, I'm not sure how I could've known that every cloud would look like a penis to you."

"You're making me sound like a prissy idiot," she protested, "Look, I'm not the crazy one, here. You're trying to tell me that every cloud above us doesn't somehow look suggestive?"

I pointed to the large cumulus that I mentioned before. "That one looks more like Australia than anatomy."

She threw up her hands. "Oh, okay. So you are saying that I'm a prissy idiot. I got you." She then grabbed her food and wolfed it down.

I asked, "What are you…? Why are you…? Um, Victoria…"

She guzzled down her iced coffee, then said, "I guess I should've known… the one thing that looks most like a penis has been sitting next to me this whole time!"

"There's no need to be a prissy idiot, Victoria…"

She sprang up, clenched her fists, and stared down at me. For a moment, I was positive that she'd take a swing, so close she stood and such trembling. I didn't move. Finally, she said, "You're not even worth it."

"Neither are you," I replied, "Are we calling it a day?"

We did.