Scent of a Woman

Story Sent in by Josh:

Stephanie and I were out at a noisy, busy bar. We had to speak close to each other in order to be heard. Her breath smelled like old beef and month-old milk. At one point, apparently, I cringed at it.

She noticed. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I said, "I, uh, leg cramp."

"Oh," she said, breathing straight into my face.

I barely held it together and asked, "Want to take a walk?"

"You want to leave?" she asked, "It's 10 degrees outside."

I decided to breathe through my mouth for the rest of the evening. Could have been worse, I thought. But then I ended up telling her a story about a trick I played on one of my college professors, a decent story about switching lemonade in a thermos with beer.

She laughed at the end of the story, and I made the mistake of inhaling through my nose. The nose-ful of exhale from her mouth was so bad that I jutted away from her and hit into a guy who was standing behind me.

I apologized to the dude and turned back to Stephanie, who was no longer laughing. She asked, "What the hell's your problem? Is it my breath?"

She guessed it. Before I could answer, she breathed out at me, again, and again.

"Agh!" I cried, throwing my hands up in front of my face, "Stop!"

"Stop breathing?" she asked, "Are you a moron?"

"No! I–" My mind raced. Should I find her a mint? Should I dab something under my own nose to blunt her hellish mouth scent? There was no polite way out of this situation. I felt really awful, but you have to understand that it was the worst thing I had ever smelled, before or since. I've smelled men's restrooms that have more pleasant aromas.

I did the only thing I could think of that would possibly resolve the situation.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I really don't mean to be rude."

She said nothing, so I continued, "Let me buy you another drink. I'm really sorry. I don't want you to feel bad. I–"

She breathed on me again, cutting me off. At this point, I felt as though she was being the immature one, and so I gave her one last shot.

"Stephanie, let's just forget all about it. We can–"

She exhaled one last, giant breath at me, this one punctuated with bits of spit. I threw in the towel at that point, said a hasty, "Good night," and squirmed through the crowd for the exit. She didn't follow me. Even now, writing about it, I can still recall the scent, and it makes me shudder.


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Girlfriend catch you cheating? Here's a great way out of it. Thanks to Ellendra for sending in this gem!