How to Make a Girl Disappear

Story Sent in by Olivia:

I had a friend named Stefan and one summer night we were hanging out on my back porch. We had a few drinks and he confessed to me that he had harbored a crush on me for a while. I liked him, too, and was ready to kiss him there and then, but he said, "We're going to do this right. I'm going to take you out on a date!"

So a date was arranged. He picked a weeknight, after we were both done at work. We had arranged it for 6:30. Around ten to five, he called me up and said, "Can we push it back? I have a surprise for you."

"Sure, but not too late. What time?"

"Nine."

"Nine?"

He beseeched, "It's real important. I've got such a great idea and I know a great place."

"What's your idea?"

"It's a surprise!"

"Fine."

He gave me an address. I was expecting a bar, a dance club, or something similar. At 9pm, however, I found myself alone, outside of a liquor store. Soon after, he shuffled around a corner and flopped over to me, drunker than I had ever seen him before.

"Surprise!" he said, "I'm drunk!"

I stepped back. "You're such an idiot. I was really looking forward to tonight."

He held up both of his hands, showed me that they were empty, then reached into his pocket and pulled out a flask. "See?" he asked, "Magic!"

He drank it all the way down. "Great," I said, "Bye."

"Wait!" he said, "I'm sorry. I have something for you."

He lunged toward me, his lips puckered wide for a kiss. I pushed him away. He spun, stumbled toward me again, and puked all over the sidewalk. "Surprise!" he said, then puked again. "Surprise!"

It was one of the grossest, most nauseating moments of my life. Regardless, he was my friend. I walked him around the block a few times, until he complained that he couldn't walk anymore. I then stuffed him into my car and drove him home.

Once at his house, I half-dragged his practically comatose body up the walkway, opened his door with his keys, and set him up on his couch. I asked him about a half dozen times if he would be okay, and he nodded each time.

I turned off the lights and made for the door, but he sat up and said, "Stay and sleep with me. Right here."

I replied, "Go to sleep, Stefan. I'll see you soon."

He belched mightily in response. I left.

To this day, he swears he doesn't remember a thing. He hasn't asked me out again since, and that's just fine by me.