9/30/2011

Someone Needs to Sit on a Tranquilizer Dart

Email Sent in by Daisy:

I am just over a breakup. I AM SO PISSED AT ME EX.. she STOLE AND LIED. EVERY WOMEN IS EVIL…..

I have to relax. No good can come from blaming you. Or her. Wait… lots of good can coem from blaming her because SHE IS TO BLAME. I just need a shoulder on which to rest my head. I shoulder is what I have in mind. You have two of them. Would you mind sharing one with me?

She wouldn't even share a shoulder with me if I asked her to. She would probably rather CUT OFF HER SHOULDERS AND GIVE THEM TO NEEDY SHOULDERLESS CHILDREN THAN TO HER OWN BOYFRIEND OH I'M SORRY EXBOYFRIEND BECAUSE WE HAVE TO PUT A USELESS CONSONANT BEFORE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL WORD AND MAKE IT INTO SOMETHING HORRIBLE AND I

Sorry. I have to control myself. It's early, I'm tired, and I just wanted someone to talk to. Not YELL AT SCREAM AT AND THROW REPEATEDLY INTO DUMPSTERS, KICK DUMPSTERS DOWN HILLS THAT LEAD TO NIAGARA FALLS AND WATCH THEM HIT EVERY ROCK ON THE WAY DOWN BAM SMASH BOOM SPLAT.

I've probably killed any chance of you writing back. Thanks for listening and if you do write back maybe we can go out sometime?

Tim
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7 comments:

  1. Anonymous9/30/2011 2:04 PM

    I have streams of consciousness too, I just usually don't press "send".

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous9/30/2011 2:13 PM

    ^ That. Seriously, there's a reason for that "<- Backspace" button.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Polka Dot9/30/2011 11:19 PM

    Tim's ex sounds like a decent human being. He claims that she'd rather "CUT OFF HER SHOULDERS AND GIVE THEM TO NEEDY SHOULDERLESS CHILDREN THAN TO HER OWN BOYFRIEND." That's a plus in my book.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Bicca10/01/2011 2:14 AM

    It's also a prefix, not a consonant.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ashley10/01/2011 5:04 AM

    At least he realises he probably won't get a reply

    ReplyDelete
  6. Claire (and Nikki)10/02/2011 11:49 AM

    The self-awareness at the end was cute.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous10/02/2011 10:06 PM

    ^Agree with you Nikki, that and the tiny hope he had of her writing back to him.

    ReplyDelete

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