He Probably Thought it Was Guinness

Story Sent in by Isabelle:

I had been on a few dates with Pete already and things were going well. One weekend, I asked him to join me at my friend Robert's barbecue.

The party was BYOB, so on our way there, we stopped at a liquor store. I bought myself a small bottle of rye and some ginger ale. He only bought a four pack of micro brew beer.

On a prior date, I had seen him down three beers with dinner, so I asked him, "Will that be enough for you?"

He replied, "Yeah."

"If you're not planning to drink a lot, would you mind driving, then? It would save us a bus ride and the taxi it would take us to get there."

"I don't want to drive. Let's just do the bus and taxi thing."

We did. At the barbecue, my friends all seemed to like Pete and everyone was having a good time. At one point, I was in the basement playing Rock Band while Pete was upstairs playing poker with the boys. When I heard Pete yelling, I ran upstairs. He said, "One of your stupid friends stole my money!" I tried to calm him down and explain that this was highly unlikely, but he was adamant.

I dragged him through the sliding glass doors onto the back patio. He was obviously wasted but seemed sincere that his money had been stolen. I asked him to wait there while I sorted things out.

I went inside and spoke to Robert. Robert said, "Pete's been obnoxious and insulting. He goes to the bathroom or out for a smoke every three minutes and holds us up. To top it off, he's been stealing people's drinks, downing every open beer he can find."

I asked, "Did you take his money?"

"Yeah, but only because we wanted him to think he was out. We don't want him playing with us anymore. Give me a minute and I'll go talk to him."

Robert left the room, then returned a moment later, carrying an open beer can. He brought it outside with him when he went to talk to Pete. Robert told Pete that the money thing was just a prank, that they were sorry about the money, and that they would give him back his 20-dollar buy-in.

Robert left his beer can outside with Pete and he came back in. Pete stayed outside to smoke, and when Robert returned, he shut the sliding door behind him and told everyone, "I urinated in the beer can I left out there. I want to see if he'll return it to me or if he's going to drink it."

I stood there frozen, on the one hand thinking that I should run out there and move it away from him. But on the other hand, well, I guess that I just wanted to see if he would in fact grab a drink that wasn't his and drink the pee.

Sure enough, less than a minute later, we all watched him guzzle it down.

He came back in and apologized for getting mad. He then asked if anyone could bring him a beer. Everyone erupted in laughter, and someone said, "I'll get you one," and headed off in the direction of the bathroom. I knew it was time for him to go, and time for me to never see him again.

I called him a taxi. When it arrived, I led him to it and he tried to kiss me. I said, "I'm sorry, I can't."

"What the hell? Why not?"

"Because you just guzzled down a can full of urine!"

The taxi driver overheard and said, "He what?"

Pete gave me a stunned look and puked. The taxi drove off. I told Pete to wait there while I called him another cab. It finally arrived and took him away.

When he texted me the next day, I sent him a link to Alcoholics Anonymous and wished him all the best. I never heard from him again.