Emails Sent in by Sean:
(Sean says: "I had already taken Josie out on three dates by this point.")
Hi Sean.
You don't know me but you soon will. I'm Pierre and I'm a friend of Josie. I am writing to tell you some fun facts about Josie.
1. Josie often says that she's 24 but she's really 30.
2. Josie never flushes toilets.
3. Josie is a hoarder. She has never thrown a thing away.
4. She sleeps with lots of different guys.
5. I don't think she believes in g-d.
6. She is a drinking problem.
I think she likes me secretly so you should probably not date her anymore. I will take care of her and ensure that her problems will be taken care of. Sorry about breaking the news to you this way but I had to tell you. Sorry…
Pierre
********************************
Sean Responds:
Hey Pierre:
Thanks for the insights about Josie. I'm going to forward your whole message along to her so that she can see what a caring friend you are. She'll be jumping down your pants in no time, tiger.
Sean
*********************************
Pierre Responds:
OMG NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!! That isn j't how it's supposed to go! Oh my god don't actually send it to her! None of it is true I just snet it because I like her please please dont's send it you'll ruijn my life you please dop not send do not send NOT please okay?? Just say you wan't send it I'm sorry for sending it in the rfirst place.
Pierre
*********************************
Sean Responds:
Oh. You made it all up? I wish I knew that. I just sent it to her. Sorry…
*********************************
Pierre Responds:
Dude I'm coming over to you right now to ruin y9ur life the way you just ruined mine. I'm going to call Josie and we're going to work this out and I'll tell her whatever it takes you can kiss her goodbye you psycho and she and I will be together and have babies together and you will be alone and miserable so you TAJKE THAT ASSHOLE.
********************************
(Sean says: "I never actually sent Josie anything (tried to take the high road) and Josie and I are still friends. I've never met Pierre and strangely, she's never once mentioned him.")
Don't feed the troll!
ReplyDeleteI think you should ask Josie about Pierre.
This is hilarious. Sean FTW.
ReplyDeleteShe's never mentioned Pierre, because clearly he's a gibbering tentacled horror from the deep, trying to bring us closer to the Cthulhnic breakdown by increasing the despair quotient of the world with your break up. Keyboards aren't designed for tentacles, and that's why he has so many extra Js in his emails.
ReplyDeleteI mean, duh, right?
Agnes: I saw recently the John Carpenter movie "At the Mouth of Madness" and I found it pretty good and entertaining, esp. for an older horror flick. I think the Old Ones would be pleased.
ReplyDelete^I saw that one. Liked it more than I thought I would. The image of that little demon girl barking, "It's mommies' day!" will haunt me forever. Why are small children so creepy?
ReplyDeleteExcellent. The only thing that could have made this better is if you HAD forwarded it to her.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't really say not sending it to her was 'taking the high road'. Most people would want to know if one of their supposed friends was lying about them behind their backs.
ReplyDeleteUnrelated to the story, a movie made in 1994 is not an "older horror flick", nope nope nope.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't have forwarded the email to her, but I would've at least told her and offered to forward it if she wanted it. I've had a stalker ex try to contact my friends and family before, and I definitely wanted to know when it happened and what crazy things he was saying this time. If I could have gotten a restraining order using that info, I would have.
ReplyDeletewhat is sixteen years, the blink of an eye then?
ReplyDeleteI liked that movie. Saw it in the theater. "You're my mommy. And you know what today is? Today is Mommy's Day!"
ReplyDelete^sadly, churro, yes...
ReplyDeleteHmmm, I thought I'd posted a reply but my droid must have gone on the fritz. I find horror movie small children TERRORFYING but I put it in my queueueueueue anyway.
ReplyDeleteSean should have sent them, it would have been hilarious.
ReplyDeleteChurro; sixteen years isn't exactly a blink of an eye but I'm older than that and I wouldn't call myself old!
So, Ashley, you're 17 then?
ReplyDeleteGoddamn, I'm old.