Good Thing He's Not a Nurse

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Story Sent in by Blanche:

Chad and I met online. I was out with him on our first date, talking over dinner, when he bit his lower lip so hard that it bled.

"Oh my God," I began, "Are you okay?"

He blinked and looked at me as if nothing was at all out of sorts. "Yeah. Why?"

"Your lip," I pointed it out to him, and his hand went to it. When he looked at his fingers and saw the blood, he stood up and excused himself from the table.

When he returned, he had tied several layers of toilet paper around his head so that they completely covered his lower face. He looked about as ridiculous as you're imagining.

I said, "You probably just needed one little clump to hold against your lip, no?"

His voice muffled through the toilet paper, he replied, "I need both hands to finish my sandwich."

I asked, "But how are you going to eat it with your mouth covered up?"

In answer, he picked up his sandwich and jammed it into his maw, tearing the toilet paper so that flecks and bits of it slid into his mouth, down his shirt, and onto the table. The rest of it fell about his shoulders. His lip still bled as he chewed the mammoth bite of sandwich he had just engulfed.

"Your lip is still bleeding," I said.

He licked his fingers, then stood up and left the table again. When he came back, he wore a band-aid that covered his cut, stretched from his chin to the inside of his mouth. The end attached to his chin adhered to his skin, but the end in his mouth, having nothing but wet-inner-mouth to stick to, flopped around as he spoke:

"All better?"

I replied, "I don't think that'll do much for you. It's not even really attached."

"Well, what would you do?"

I replied, "Take a clump of tissue or paper towel and hold it to the cut until it clotted."

He said, "That could take a long time."

"If you started now, it might stop bleeding by the time we're done with dinner."

He cleared his throat loudly and said, "I don't have that kind of time." He then flagged down a waiter and asked for our check. Without anther word to me, he put down two twenties (the check had come to $25), then stood up and left as if he was in a huge hurry to go someplace else. Last time I ever saw or heard from him.