A Hole in the Argument

Story Sent in by Kristen:

Andy and I were both members of an informal hiking club, and on a hike, he chatted me up for a while and asked me out to dinner.  He seemed likable, and I wanted to learn more about him, so I accepted the invitation.

At dinner, he asked me perfunctory questions, one right after the other: "What do you do for a living?"  "Do you have a big family?"  "Have you always been from this area?" and so on.

I answered them all, and I asked him, "How about you?"

He slapped his hands together, said, "Finally.  Me!" and launched into his life story.  He spared no statement in telling me how awesome he was.  "I've written for all three big local papers, I was the captain of my summer camp counselor soccer team, I was a finalist for an article about hot surfer guys in GQ, and I was a film producer for a while."

"Wow," I said when he was done, 20 minutes later, "So why are you a messenger for a law firm?  With your credentials, I'd think you could do just about anything."

He shrugged and said, "What can I say?  At least I'm modest."  I nodded.  He continued, "And handsome.  And smart."  He pointed to himself and said, "The complete package, really."

I said, "It's amazing that you're still single."

He gave me a look which made me think, at first, that he took my statement as sarcasm, which was mostly how it was meant.  But he replied, "Yeah.  It's weird.  I guess I can put some insecure women off.  You don't seem insecure at all, though."

"I'm not," I replied, "And I'm sure you'll find someone who'll be perfect for you."

He stared at me, as I knew he would.  He sat back and said, "Yeah.  Who knows who that could be?  Could be you.  Who knows?"

I shook my head and said, "I kind of think of you as just a friend."

"Why not more?" he asked.

I replied, "You're not my type."

He pointed to himself again.  "You just said that I was the complete package."

"No, you just said that."

"No, I'm pretty sure you just said it."

I said, "I didn't."

He laughed and said, "I've given you every opportunity.  If you can't see that, then maybe you're not my type."

"Okay."

He looked around and flagged down a passing waiter.  "Could we get the check?"

The check arrived, Andy paid it, then stood up and extended his hand to me and said, "I'm sure you'll find someone who's perfect for you."  I didn't stand up, but I shook his hand and thanked him.  He left.

His fly was down, but I figured that, being Mr. Perfect, he knew that already.