The Aliens Attack

Story Sent in by Martin:

Amelia and I meant to meet up in front of a restaurant for our first date. I made it there first, but she didn't show at the appointed time.

After a few minutes, I texted her, "Everything okay?"

She texted back, "Yep."

I replied, "You still coming?"

After five minutes, her response arrived: "Don't know."

I called her and asked if everything was okay. She said, "Sort of. I'll see you there. I just have something to take care of."

I asked, "How much longer do you think you'll be?"

"As long as I am, okay?"

I wanted to be fair, as perhaps it was something that she really had to do. Or perhaps it wasn't. Either way, she wasn't forthcoming, and I had a date with someone who was potentially leaving me out to dry.

I told her, "Twenty minutes and I'm leaving."

She said, "Fine," and hung up.

Ten minutes later, she called to ask, "How much time do I have left?"

I asked, "Why don't you tell me what's going on? I can wait a bit longer, but is everything okay?"

She paused, then replied, "I'm on the toilet. And it's a big one. My stomach won't shut up."

"Okay."

"Can you try talking to it? Tell it to shut up? It isn't listening to me."

"What?"

She said, "Okay, I have you on speakerphone. I'm putting it up to my stomach. Just talk to it and tell it to calm down."

"Uh, calm down, stomach. Calm down so, uh, Amelia and I can have a good date," which seemed increasingly unlikely.

All of a sudden, there was a tremendous rumble from her side of the conversation. It sounded like a stomach gurgle, but the worst one I've ever heard. Then I heard a sound that was like someone riffling through a pack of cards.

"Oh God!" she yelled, and the line went dead. I tried calling her back and texting her, but there was no response.

I went home, and never did hear from her again. I hope that she didn't die. I've heard it's an embarrassing way to be found.