Unable to Soldier On

Story Sent in by Don:

I found Grace's profile online and wondered how it was that she hadn't yet been taken. She was studying for a master's degree in psychology, was an avid rock climber, and also did amateur landscape architecture. Not that I was way into any of these things per se, but she seemed to have far more interests and talents than most other people I encountered, so it seemed as though we'd at least have a lot to talk about, if not have a lot in common.

We spoke for a couple of weeks and I asked her out on a date for the weekend. She said that she had plans both Friday and Saturday, but then said, "My younger brother's acting in a play. You should come!"

Her younger brother was a ninth-grader at a local high school. I could have thought of a thousand other things that I would have rather done, but I thought it would be foolish to turn her down, especially as I had just implied that I had no other plans for that Friday night.

She picked me up and drove us to the school where her brother was playing the role of "Soldier number three" in an original comedy play that, apparently, the band teacher had written herself.

The play was far more horrible than even your imagination could handle. It was about a war between fairies, humans, and, no joke, weird creature things that looked like upended grocery carts. At least, that's what I gathered, as the costumes they were wearing were, in fact, upended grocery carts.

Halfway through, I leaned over to Grace and I asked her, "Which one's your brother?"

She replied, "He hasn't come on yet."

I waited through another hour, one in which the grocery cart monsters trapped the fairies and it was revealed that the humans had created the monsters, but now they were out of control and the humans had to save the fairies and remove all pollution from the environment in order to save the world.

At the very end was a huge crowd scene with grocery carts and people and fairies singing, "Let's take care of the Earth together." I wish I was making that up.

The curtain closed. The house lights came on. I asked Grace, "Where was your brother?"

"At the very end. The crowd scene. He was great!"

She then busted away from me and tore through the crowd to hug her brother. "You were the best! She shouted, "The best of all!"

It was nice to see her supporting her brother even though he didn't do much other than carry a stick onstage and hold it there for three minutes.

She brought him over and introduced him to me, and I told him that he did a great job.

Then, she asked me, "Want to come back and watch it again tomorrow? Didn't you say that you had tomorrow night free, too?"

I said, "Yeah, but I'm not sure if I can make it out here to see it again."

"Oh. I thought you said that you had both nights free. And you said you liked the play."

Then the band teacher herself came up behind Grace's brother. "How's our little soldier doing?"

Grace said, "I loved the play! Such a great message!"

"Great!" the band teacher said, "We hope to see you again tomorrow!"

Grace said, "Oh, you will! All of us!" She glanced at me with a warning look.

Outside, as we returned to her car, we had a good conversation all about how insensitive and inconsiderate I was for not wanting to see the play a second night in a row.

Grace said, "Don't you want to spend more time with me? And you said you liked the play! What's wrong with you?"

I finally said, "Look, I'm not going to sit through another two hours of a stupid play just to watch your brother carry a stick onstage for three minutes!"

She gasped, swung her hand back as if she was going to hit me, then stormed back to her car without me and drove off.