Something to Eschew

Story Sent in by Tim:

Margaret and I were out on our first date, having our dinners, when she asked me, "Hey, could you chew softer? I can hear you chewing from here."

I tried chewing softer. We talked about a few other topics, then she interrupted again: "Hey, maybe you could chew just a little softer. I'm sorry, no offense, but it's really grossing me out."

"Uh, sorry. I'm doing my very best."

She groaned, put her silverware down, wiped her mouth, and said, "I'll be right back."

She left the table and exited the restaurant. I had no idea what she was up to, and I wondered if she'd ever be back at all. I continued my meal, chewing as I normally do. No one had ever complained about my chewing before, so what else was there to do?

She returned about ten minutes later and shoved into my face a photo she had taken with the camera on her phone. It was of a food processor, and likely taken in a nearby housewares store.

"You need one of these," she said, "You can suck your food down and no one will have to listen to your chewing anymore."

I stared at her in disbelief, and she sealed it by saying, "You can at least thank me."

To thank her, I chewed my food as loudly as possible for the rest of our unimaginably short date.