Maybe You Should Enter Witness Protection

Story Sent in by Nick:

I was at a bar with friends and when I went up to grab another drink, I met Vera, sitting at the bar with a group of her own friends. We made eye contact a few times, and I gathered up the nerve to speak to her, buy her a drink, and grab her number.

A couple of days later, I called her up and asked her out. She agreed, and we had a good, long conversation. She seemed very interested in me: where I worked, where I grew up, the neighborhood where I lived, and so on. She was an elementary school teacher with a dizzying intellect. She told me that she was pursuing a doctorate and had already written a thesis about a new method of teaching. We set up a date for a Saturday night, and we spoke a couple more times that week.

The night of our date arrived, and we were sitting down to dinner at a restaurant when she said, "Nick, I'm impressed with you. You're not a womanizer, you seem self-made, and you stick to your schedule. A real schedule-sticker."

I said, "Thanks. I think. What do you mean when you say that I stick to my schedule? You mean the fact that I was on time tonight?"

"No, silly. I've watched you leave for work, like, every day this week. And I've kept an eye on you in other ways. You seem like a real catch."

All good feelings suddenly gone, I asked her, "You've been watching me this week? Seriously?"

"You drive an Altima, license plate EYP7480. You're out of your apartment between 8:40 and 8:50 each day. I make it my business to know these things," she said, then took a drink and went on, "The one thing that was suspect was when I saw you carry a flower up to your place after work one day. I wasn't able to make it to see you every day this week, but one day when I did, you were carrying what looked like a flower, only I wasn't close enough to be sure. Am I crazy, here? Was it a flower?"

After what felt like a long time on my part, trying to figure out how to placate her and remove myself from her presence as quickly as possible, I replied, "No. It wasn't a flower."

"What was it?"

"A roll of papers, maybe."

"Maybe. Sure looked like flowers, though."

I didn't say much for the rest of dinner, and she went on talking as if nothing was wrong. We parted in a friendly manner, although she tried to kiss me goodnight, and I shifted it into a hug.

"You don't need to watch me anymore," I told her.

"I won't," she said, "I mean, I will when I need to, but I won't watch you anymore in general, you know?"

"Sure do."

Never spoke to her again. I keep an eye out, but I haven't seen her. Maybe I should switch apartments, to be safe.