I was on a first date with Kelly when I met Cindy, who was our waitress. My relationship with Kelly turned into a friendship, and the next time I was in the restaurant's neighborhood, I stopped in to see if Cindy was working, which she was.
I chatted her up as best as I could, given that she was on the clock, and I asked her out on a date of our own.
So it came to pass that Cindy and I ended up at dinner together, at a different restaurant altogether, of course.
The waitress took our drink orders, and afterward, Cindy said, "If you flirt with her, I'll cut your balls off and feed them to you for your dinner sandwich. I know how you operate."
After a few stunned, silent moments, I said, "I don't think it's necessary to threaten me. I'm on a date with you and wasn't planning to flirt with anyone. In fact, when I was on my date with Kelly, I don't think I flirted with you at all."
"Well you were obviously thinking of something raunchy when I was your waitress that time, or you wouldn't have asked me out now, right?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Even if you don't explicitly flirt, I'll know if you think of something raunchy. I can tell."
I replied, "The waitress is about 60 or so."
"I don't care how old she is. If you flirt with her, then there go your balls. Swear to God."
I didn't flirt with our waitress, but despite my best efforts, I guess that I couldn't convince Cindy that I wasn't thinking nasty thoughts. The waitress came back once to ask us if we were ready to order. Cindy said that she needed a few more minutes.
Before the waitress came back a second time, Cindy excused herself from the table and said, "I'll be right back."
"Where are you going?" I asked
"To fetch a big knife. You need to see that I mean business. Won't be a minute."
She left the restaurant, and I grabbed the check right after. Funny thing was, I'd see it as a ploy on her part to receive free food, but aside from my soda, we hadn't ordered anything by that point. Before Cindy came back, I left.
Shortly thereafter, she sent me two texts. One said, "Now I have a big knife. I'm coming back." The other said, "Where are you?"
She never found me, and I'm glad.
As the age-old adage goes, the quickest way to a man's heart is through threatening to cut off his balls.
ReplyDeletedesperatepleaforattention.blogspot.com.org
I was unaware that Lorena Bobbit had taken a job as a waitress...
ReplyDeleteDid Cindy really think that OP was going to wait until she came back? I wonder how she is as a waitress, "what do you mean I fucked up your order? I'll be right back..."
ReplyDeleteWhat a crazy girl. Still.. I find something slightly weird about him going back to the restaurant after he had only met her once to chat her up.
ReplyDeleteMaybe he ordered asparagus...
ReplyDeleteAhh majorthirdeye mentioning Tourette's sent me down memory lane to a poster who would mention Tourette's on every single bad date possible. Sad thing is I can't recall name of said poster.
ReplyDeleteIt must be really severe Tourette's to make her go out and get a big knife. "Sorry! I can't help it!"
ReplyDeleteCoriolanus, I thought it was Aspergers that was the running joke?
ReplyDeleteYou know Nikki, it's been quite a while, and you maybe right. In fact, I think you are right. Poor guy was berated so badly by the board faithful that he no longer dares show himself.
ReplyDelete1. Yes the bitch be crazy
ReplyDelete2. Asperger's is the running joke
3. She actually does have a legit concern if the guy asked her out, after meeting her while on a date with another woman. I'd feel like it was a little sketchy and have my guard up too about the guy since he clearly was in some form of relationship, but was probably also checking out other women at the same time; most girls aren't big fans of that, unless they like pickles that are nice and big, and firm
4. I wouldn't threaten to cut his balls off though, bitch beeeeeeeee craaaaazyyyy
I thought it was "Assperger's" XD
ReplyDeleteYeah, I think it's kinda weird that he apparently kept thinking about her after his date enough that he decided to go back, especially since she was just their waitress and not a friend.
I'm still waiting for the "Bitches Bee Crazy" Bee logo Jared.
ReplyDeleteI thought it was "Assburgers"! ;D
ReplyDeleteIt's Assburgers with a side of crotch fruit and a little beef patty melt to go
ReplyDelete