Now a Whole Lot of Bad Date Fans Know, Too

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Story Submitted by Conrad:

Crystal and I had made plans to meet up at the nearby university bookstore on a Wednesday evening.  She was a recent graduate in management, was a pretty blonde, and had just ended a long-term relationship with her college boyfriend.

We met up, I bought her a coffee, and we sat down.  I asked her, "What's next for you, now that you've graduated?"

She said, "I have a lot of life goals, but I'm speaking to some friends of mine in law.  Working on a side project."

"What's that?" I asked.

"I shouldn't tell you.  It's big, though.  It will change everything."

"Okay, so don't tell me.  Good luck with it."

She said, "You could ask me questions about it."

I replied, "I'm good not knowing, if you'd rather not discuss it."

"Oh, you're not fun."

"Fine," I said, then, as a joke, I asked, "Does it involve murder?"

She blinked, then smiled.  "Yeah.  It kind of does.  I'm impressed.  I'm trying to figure out how to murder my ex and make it look accidental."

"Which class taught you that?"

"The class of hard knocks.  Don't worry, I mean, he deserves it.  You can't go telling anyone, okay?"

Not taking her too seriously, I said, "Okay."

Maybe she was dissatisfied with my level of disinterest, because she pulled out a notepad and showed me a long list of plans and diagrams, including several pictures of a guy, who I assumed to be her ex, with various bullets, arrows, and cannonballs in his head.

"He's going to die," she informed me, "It's just a matter of figuring out how to do it without being caught.  I have a lot of friends who are lawyers and cops.  They're helping me figure it out."

"That's nice of them."

"I'm sorry to have involved you.  I didn't really want to, but you gave me no choice."

"Don't worry about it."

"I'm not.  It'll go off so flawlessly that even if you go to the cops and tell them what I've told you, there won't be any evidence.  You'd be arrested for making a false report!"

"I won't tell anyone."

"I can't wait to kill him.  The look on his face will be priceless."

"No doubt about that.  He'll be so surprised.  For a second.  Then he'll be dead and no longer surprised."

"He'll still be surprised," she reassured me, "He'll have all of eternity to reflect on what he did to me."

"What did he do to you?"

She leaned in and said, "He cheated on me."

I waited for more, but that had apparently been the limit of his transgressions.  I had expected that he had killed a beloved family member or put a curse of constant diarrhea upon her or something.

"That's it?" I asked.

She gave me a surprised look, then sat back and said, "Well, maybe he's not the only guy who deserves death."

Talk about a conversation stopper.  I changed the subject to something or other and ended the date as quickly as I could.  Shame that someone so pretty and college-educated had to be so nuts.