New Pals, Old Meat

Story Submitted by Olga:

Alvin contacted me on a dating site.  He came across as kind, but very sensitive.  We had enough in common for him to ask me out to a potluck picnic date.  I made apple cupcakes and he said he'd make sandwiches.

We arrived at our meeting spot, an area in a local park.  He held up a white container, one that I assumed contained the sandwiches he had made us.  He opened it, and inside was a strange grey and black mass, with a smell that made me think of an unearthed coffin.

"What is that?" I asked, as politely as possible.

He leaned over it, inhaled a nose-full, and exhaled like it was aromatic summer air.  "It's steak!" he said, "Found it in my fridge.  About two or three years old.  Forgot that I had it."

From what I could see, it had a gelatinous texture and something was clearly growing on it, a fact that I pointed out to him.  "Alvin, there's something obviously growing on it."

"Texture!" he answered, then asked, "Can I cut you a piece?"

I said, "No.  It smells weird and it's clearly bad.  Why don't you make something else, for next time?"

He said, "I had to rush out of the house and didn't have time to make you something.  I offer you meat," he said, giving me a sad face and again holding the container up to me.

"I appreciate the thought, but maybe we can grab something else.  I mean, would you eat that?"

He looked at it and said, "For you?  Of course I would.  You're awesome."

"Thanks, but—"

"Eat the meat," he said, holding it closer to me, "Come on."

I stepped away and said, "No, thank you."

"Fine!  It's junk!"  He hoisted the container and launched the meat at me, missing me by a foot.  It splattered on the nearby grass with a hideous squish.  I turned back to him and screamed, "What the hell are you doing?"

Calmly, he closed the empty container, put it under his arm, sat down on the ground, and said, "And that was my lunch.  What did you bring?"

"You're nuts," I said, and I walked away, carrying my own container.

From behind me, he yelled, "What sort of nuts?  Hey, I can't eat them if you're walking away with them!"

I blocked him on everything as soon as I made it home.