Email Submitted by Ashley:
It's rough out there! So many men want to take advantage of you and burrow down to your musky treasures! You are so lucky that I found you!
A more respectful guy than me you will never meet! A girl I was with for five years told me how respectful and how good a protector I was! She and I are no longer together (she cheated on me twelve dozen times!) but we're still friends and her view of me as protector is undimmed!
I will protect you when you are awake and when you are sleeping! I don't need much sleep and I can tell you names of people you can ask. If you want me to protect you with blades or guns too I can. I stopped a breakin! I will stop breakins for you too.
Samuel
He got cheated on 144 times in 5 years??? That's almost 30 times a year!!!
ReplyDeleteBut I'm glad that they're still friends. They evidently had plenty in common.
ReplyDeleteGee, I wonder why his last girlfriend cheated on him, since he's such an outstanding protector and all.
ReplyDelete"musky treasures"??!!
ReplyDeleteA Bad Case of the Get a Restraining Orders.
ReplyDeleteStop the breakins for me!
ReplyDeleteUse hyphens.
ReplyDeleteHe missed the chance to say "I stopped a breakin! I also stopped a breakin 2 electric boogaloo!"
ReplyDeleteDid the protect you while you're awake/sleeping thing remind anyone else of a creepy santa claus? When Santa Claus wants to date and has developed a weapons fetish, he does it infomercial style! With alleged testimonials and everything.
ReplyDeleteIf they're immortal it would explain how Mrs. Claus had time to cheat on him so often (5 thousand years perhaps).
Also, what is with the increasingly gross terminology guys keep coming up with for vaginas in these e-mails?
^ Yeah, my friends taught me that if you're writing to a girl and find yourself trying to come up with a synonym for "vagina" because you want to sound respectful, stop and delete your e-mail right now BECAUSE YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.
ReplyDelete^Hmmm respectful term for vag in writing? Your friends had to seriously teach you that?
ReplyDeleteWell, yes, there is one way: the always informal and universally respected "Cooter".
But you have to say it right, don't imply sex.
Say something like, "I jus' wanna look at yer cooter".
See this way, you're being respectful to feminine virtue, and bitches dig that shit.
And if you want to REALLY be extra respectful, respect their MENSUS. Wait until the end of the letter or email, and respectfully add as a p.s. "yeah so anyway I wanna see it just so long as you aint on da rag or nothin'".
I dislike cooter. I prefer "snatch" or "muff." Heh. Muff.
ReplyDeleteMuffin
ReplyDeleteMan, when I was in "The Vagina Monologues" last year, we had SUCH a good time coming up with slang terms for vagina! We decided that the "local one" (for Baltimore) would be "crabcake, hon" because that's just hilarious.
ReplyDeletePerfect, hon.
DeleteIn France we'd call it a foufounette (foo-foo-net) or "fouf" for short.
ReplyDelete