Want a Perfect Body, Want a Perfect Soul

Story Submitted by Tommy:

Lois was a girl I met at the supermarket, of all places. We both happened to be in the same section looking for the same thing. I cracked some joke or other, we chatted, and I exited the store with a basket full of groceries and her number.

I asked her out on a first date to a Cheesecake Factory and she accepted. It was inside of a mall, and so we walked a little way to make it from the parking lot to the restaurant. On our way, we passed a big arcade with indoor bumper cars. I asked her if she wanted to take them for a spin, and she said that she did.

It was us and about half a dozen kids on the playing field. We climbed into our cars, the buzzer sounded, and we were off to the races. Naturally, I thought that the flirtatious thing to do would be to bump her car as often as possible.

She was having some trouble maneuvering, but soon got the hang of it. I circled around the space again before smashing into her, hard, from behind.

She shouted, but not in a surprised, startled, happy way. She gave me a look that meant only one thing: I was in for something particularly unpleasant.

Shortly thereafter, we exited our vehicles and I asked Lois, "I'm really sorry. Are you okay?"

She didn't say a word, opting instead to give me the silent treatment the remainder of the way to dinner, and even when we sat down. She was friendly enough to the waiter, but she didn't say a word to me.

I said, "Lois, I'm really sorry if I hurt you before. Can we talk?"

She didn't reply and didn't make eye contact with me. I said, "Should we even go through with dinner if you're going to be like this?"

She replied, "You tell me."

I said, "Look, I'm sorry. I thought we were having fun. I—"

"You might have ruined it," she said.

"Ruined what?"

She looked down at herself and replied, "My body. I probably have massive internal bleeding now, thanks to you. I feel faint, sick, and I'm in so much pain I want to scream."

I said, "I'm really sorry, Lois. We can go if you—"

"But what do you care? You just kept hitting me and hitting me. Anyone ever tell you that you're violent?"

"No."

"You are."

"Do you want to go?"

She groaned and said, "You ruined my body! Probably for good! And that's all you have to say?"

"Do you want me to take you to a hospital? What do you want me to do?"

She shook her head, sat back, and gave me the silent treatment for the rest of dinner. I threw in the proverbial towel at that point and gave up trying to talk to or reason with her. The check came and we split it, whereas I would have gladly paid for it before, but it was like I was out to dinner with myself.

For as horrible a guy as I was, she sure didn't seem in any kind of hurry to end the date. I was expecting her to book it back to the lot on her own, but she walked with me the whole way.

We were alone on the escalator down to our parking level when she turned to me and said, "I wouldn't want to be you for a billion dollars right now."

I asked, "Why not?"

She said, "God punishes the violent. Good night!" and that was her cue to take off for her car.

"Does he punish the crazy?" I yelled after her. She didn't reply, so I raised my voice and said, "Or are you going to just keep punishing everyone around you?"

No response to that either, and in retrospect, it was a dumb thing to say, but hopefully she found happiness somewhere.