Pernicious Pen Pal

Story Submitted by Pat:

Jeffrey and I met via an online pen pal site.  We were both in high school at the time and wrote each other letters regularly for a few months, then emails, then phone calls.  By the time I was a sophomore in college, we were good friends who had never met.  He was from Texas, and I was from Maine.

We had both expressed an interest in meeting each other someday, and that day came far sooner than I thought.  He called me one day and said, "I'm going to be in New York City for a week on a club trip.  Can you make it down there?"

I was thrilled at the prospect, both of meeting him and of visiting New York, which I had never done before.  I made plans to drive down there with my college friend, Clara.

We met up with Jeffrey in Central Park, and the first thing he did was pull me in for a big hug.

Our walk around the park and the city was very enjoyable.  He was the exact persona that I recognized from his messages and phone calls.  After a little bit, I asked Clara to meet me back in the park at a particular time, so that Jeffrey and I could be alone for a bit.

He bought us an early dinner and we brought it back to the park.  We sat in the grass, moved closer to each other, held hands, and talked about ways in which we could work out a relationship.  We ended up sitting with my head in his lap, and I felt very comfortable with him.

Then, he did something that changed everything.  He asked me to turn my head to the side.  Thinking that he was shifting to a more comfortable position, I moved my head the way he wanted me to.

With my head still in his lap, he farted so loud that he must have ruptured an organ to do it.  He pressed his hands to my head to keep it down in his lap.

"Mmmm... yeah..." he said as I struggled.  I flailed an arm up to hit him in the face and his grip slackened enough for me to slip away and stand up.

He gave me a look as if nothing was wrong.  "C'mon back," he said, still sitting down.

Dumbfounded and nauseated, I asked him, "Why would you do that?"

He said, "Texas, baby." He raised his eyebrows and beckoned for me to return to his embrace, but that was the last place where I wanted to be.  He laughed then, a strange, high-pitched cackle.  "Come back," he cooed, "Come back to meeeeeeee..."

The fart itself wasn't what bothered me: it was the fact that he was so forceful in keeping my head in his lap.  I said, "Maybe we should call it a night... Clara's expecting me."

"Come back," he said, "Come back."

I backed away, said, "It was nice meeting you.  Keep in touch," and left him sitting there.  I walked away as fast as I could.

Less than an hour later, I was back with Clara, and Jeffrey called me up in tears to apologize and self-deprecate.  I forgave him, but told him that I couldn't see him again that week due to last minute plans.

We were in touch on and off for years after that.  He moved to California and has a family, now.  I'm happy for him, but even happier that things didn't work out between us.