Not-So-Smooth Criminal

Story Submitted by Kendra:

I met Larry at a big party that my friend, Audrey, threw.  I liked his confidence, and he made me laugh like no guy had before.  I asked him how he knew my friend, and he said that they went to high school together.  It seemed like a no-brainer to give him my number, if for nothing else because he came across as someone cool to hang out with.

He called me up the next day to ask me out on a date for that night.  I accepted, and I met up with him at a bar and grill.

He dressed like the 1980s had never told him that they were over, but like I mentioned before, he had a magnetic personality.  We had downed a couple of drinks each before he dropped the bomb:

"How does it feel to be on a date with a criminal?"

I asked, "You're a criminal?"

He laughed and said, "No.  I've been busted once for breaking and entering and once for assault, but neither were my fault.  My old girlfriend got pissed at me for no reason and called the cops, again, for no reason.  Slut.  I fixed her but good in the end, though."

"'Fixed her'?"

He belched and laughed, then ordered more drinks.  I was done drinking, though.  He pounded back his third, slid closer to me, and said, "So, I don't really know Audrey.  I crashed the party to find some ass... and I found you."

He squeezed my rear, and I jumped up and away from him.  He gave me a confused look, then pointed at me, shut his eyes, and laughed.  His whole body convulsed with it great guffaws, and I walked out without a word.

He must have made himself laugh for a while, because it took him 10 minutes to call me.  I let it go to voicemail.  He called again, then again, then again.  Voicemail each time.

All told, he left no less than 12 messages on my cell that night, all variations of, "Where the hell did you go?  Taking a dump?  I'll just keep calling until you pick up, I guess."  The best one was, "Did my ex send you?  I bet she did.  Slut."